Alt-Right Wife
by JesusPieceSheamus
Summary: SATIRE SITCOM. Sasha's Neo-Nazi internet girlfriend Charlotte moves into her apartment complex, causing several wacky misadventures. Her neighbor, Xavier, attempts to break them up, Her best friend, Bayley, frequently tries to instill diehard liberalism into everyone within earshot, and a fellow tenant, Becky, struggles living with her roommate Alexa.
1. Ep 101: The Invasion

**INT. - SASHA'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

SASHA and BAYLEY are sitting on the couch, in the living room of the modest apartment. Sasha is busy typing away on her phone, while Bayley keeps an eye on the door.

BAYLEY (adjusting her NASA flight jacket): I really don't think having someone you met online moving in with you is the best idea.

Before Sasha can respond, there is a loud knock at the door.

SASHA: She's here!

Sasha immediately throws her phone down on the couch, and runs to the door. XAVIER is standing in the doorway.

SASHA (disappointedly, walking back to the couch): Xavier!? You're not a 5'10 muscular blonde girl with big boobs!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

XAVIER: If only I had a dime for every time I heard that one.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Xavier walks in, joining the girls on the couch.

SASHA: What are you even doing here?

XAVIER (lying): Well... uh... Bayley was here, I figured I'd miss out on something fun.

BAYLEY: We're waiting on Sasha's internet girlfriend.

XAVIER: That sounds like-wait waiting on who!?

Just then, CHARLOTTE enters through the open front door, dragging a suitcase, before abruptly stopping.

SASHA: Charlotte!

Sasha runs over and hugs her, unaware of how uncomfortable she is. Xavier notices her uncomfortable stare is directed at him.

XAVIER: Uh... hi. I'm Xavier, I live in the next apartment over. Nice to meet you.

CHARLOTTE (sighing in relief): Thank god... he's literate.

 _*CORNY SITCOM "TROUBLE'S A BREWING" SOUND*_

Sasha, still hugging Charlotte, looks confused, as Bayley raises her eyebrows and Xavier puts his hand on his chin.

XAVIER: ...uh... thanks?

* * *

 **[OPENING CREDITS SEQUENCE]**

* * *

 **INT. - SASHA'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

Sasha is still hugging Charlotte, partially in shock, while Bayley and Xavier look generally offended.

BAYLEY: Why wouldn't he be literate?

CHARLOTTE: Who's this?

SASHA: This is my friend, Bayley.

BAYLEY: I'm just confused about how Xavier's literacy came into question.

Charlotte rolls her eyes and sighs.

CHARLOTTE: So she's one of _those_ people.

BAYLEY: One of what people?

CHARLOTTE: Don't worry about it. (turns to Sasha) Hey, I have another bag in the Uber, babe, can you grab that for me?

XAVIER (standing up): I'll get it.

CHARLOTTE: You know what, I'll just get it myself.

XAVIER: It's fine, I can-

CHARLOTTE (cutting him off): DON'T TOUCH MY BAG!

Charlotte runs out of the apartment.

BAYLEY: Is your girlfriend racist!?

SASHA: Bayley, you think everyone is racist.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BAYLEY: But she literally just implied that Xavier being able to form simple sentences was shocking.

XAVIER: Maybe she didn't mean-

BAYLEY (cutting him off): Xavier, shut up, can't you see I'm trying to talk about racism?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Charlotte returns, with her 2nd suitcase.

BAYLEY: Charlotte, how do you feel about immigration?

SASHA: Bayley!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: I think it's somewhere between disgusting and deplorable.

BAYLEY: Even legal immigration?

CHARLOTTE: Legal, illegal, they're still taking jobs and raping and killing people.

SASHA: Hey, new subject, restaurants! There's a cool Mexican place down the street.

CHARLOTTE: I don't like Mexican.

BAYLEY: Wow, shocker.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

XAVIER: I'm gonna go now, guys.

SASHA (shrugging): Thanks for announcing that I guess?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Xavier leaves the apartment, closing the door behind him, as Charlotte pulls her first suitcase to the off-screen hallway that leads to the bedroom.

BAYLEY (whispering): Still not seeing any red flags?

SASHA (also whispering): If Charlotte was racist she wouldn't be-

Sasha immediately stops talking, and smiles as Charlotte comes back to get her 2nd suitcase.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Charlotte smiles back and drags her other suitcase off-screen.

SASHA (still whispering): ...dating a German, black woman!

BAYLEY (whispering back): Fetishizing mixed race women doesn't make you _not_ racist!

Sasha rolls her eyes, as Charlotte returns.

CHARLOTTE: I _am_ kinda hungry. Is there a Chick-Fil-A around here?

BAYLEY: I rest my case.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Bayley leaves as Sasha side-eyes her, and Charlotte looks confused.

SASHA: Come on, babe, let's go.

Sasha grabs Charlotte's wrist, leading her out of the door.

* * *

*30 second Activia commercial*

*15 second YouTube Red commercial*

*15 second local law firm commercial*

*30 second commercial for Run The Jewels 3*

*15 second Pepsi commercial*

*15 second commercial about the new series Fearless premiering immediately after this episode*

* * *

 **INT. - BECKY'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

ALEXA is sitting on the couch, eating shredded cheese out of a bag. All of a sudden, BECKY storms in.

BECKY: That cheese isn't for you to eat!

ALEXA: Cheese was made to be eaten, Becky.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: That's the cheese I bought for the pizza I'm making tonight.

ALEXA: Pizza?... Was that what those pepperonis were for?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY (walking towards the kitchen area): You ate an entire pack of pepperonis!?

ALEXA: Look, you can't just leave stuff lying around.

BECKY: I left the pepperonis lying on the counter... next to the cheese... and the pizza dough... and the pizza sauce!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

ALEXA: I didn't want to assume anything, you know what happens when you assume.

BECKY: Yes. I do. Becky gets to eat pizza!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

ALEXA (shrugging): Just order one.

BECKY: Just order one? Do you-

Becky is cut off by the doorbell ringing.

BECKY: Come in!

Xavier walks into the apartment.

XAVIER: Hello, ladies.

BECKY: What do you want?

XAVIER: Woah, woah, why the bad mood?

BECKY (turning to Alexa): Well I've been trying to figure out how to un-ruin clothes, because somebody's red thong ended up in the washing machine with my whites!

ALEXA: It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month anyway.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: Then, my pepperoni pizza turned into cheese pizza!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Alexa turns the bag of cheese upside down, and nothing comes out.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: ...make that Chicago-Style pizza.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

XAVIER: Chicago-style actually has cheese under the sauce, but... you could still make some dope breadsticks with marinara sauce.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: Why are you here?

XAVIER: I need your help. Sasha's new girlfriend just moved in, and I need you two to make her move out.

BECKY: Why?

XAVIER: ...does it really matter?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

ALEXA: Come on Becky, he's tryna get in them Pokemon panties.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

XAVIER: That's not true... and Sasha doesn't have Pokemon panties.

BECKY (looking a bit creeped out): How do you know?

XAVIER: Are we playing 20 questions or are you helping me?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: If she had a roommate like Alexa, she'd move out in a day.

ALEXA: I am NOT a bad roommate.

BECKY: When are you gonna pay me back for your half of the rent last month?

ALEXA: Are we playing 20 questions or are we helping Xavier?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: Look, just find out what she doesn't like, and we'll see what we can do.

XAVIER: Thanks!

BECKY: There's a catch.

XAVIER: I can't catch, gotta go!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Xavier attempts to leave, before Becky stops him.

BECKY: Give me $20.

XAVIER: Why?

BECKY: So I can order a pizza.

ALEXA: Ooo! Get wings!

BECKY: Shut up.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Xavier sighs, handing Becky a $20 bill.

BECKY: Pleasure doing business with ya.

Xavier leaves, as Becky walks over to the phone.

ALEXA: Get pineapple on the pizza.

BECKY: You're not getting any pizza.

ALEXA: But I'm hungry!

BECKY: Then eat the rest of the ingredients.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Alexa sighs, and walks to the kitchen area. She opens the can of pizza sauce and grabs a spoon.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

* * *

*graphic of the sun setting and rising again*

* * *

 **INT. - SASHA'S APARTMENT (BEDROOM)**

Sasha is tentatively looking through the drawers that Charlotte's belongings are in. She immediately stops when she hears Charlotte's voice.

CHARLOTTE (off-screen): Are you coming!?

SASHA: Yeah! Just a second!

Sasha reaches into a drawer, and her jaw drops, as she pulls out a red hat that reads "Make America Great Again".

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

She shoves the hat back into the drawer and closes it.

SASHA (to herself): Maybe it's ironic... yeah. Charlotte's just an edgelord, the hat is just for memes.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: (off-screen): Still waiting!

SASHA: I'm coming, babe!

Sasha reaches into a different drawer, pulling out a white T-shirt with black lettering.

SASHA (reading): "Dr. Shelby's Conversion Therapy Saved My Life"!? What the-

CHARLOTTE (entering the room): What's taking you so long?

SASHA (throwing the shirt): AAAAAH!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE (grabbing the shirt): Are you looking through my stuff!?

SASHA: I... kinda.

Charlotte opens the shirt, and her eyes immediately get huge.

CHARLOTTE: Oh my god! Sasha I... I can, I can totally explain this shirt... there's a very reasonable explanation for this... and I will give the very reasonable explanation... starting... now.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: It's... uh... I was in a satire comedy group in high school and...

SASHA (holding her phone): I just visited the website on the back of the shirt.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: Okay, fine. Being bisexual is my only shortcoming, so when my father found out, he sent me to this doctor to fix it, and I felt like-

SASHA: "Fix it"!?

CHARLOTTE: Well... yeah.

SASHA: Why are you saying "fix it" like not being straight is some sort of mental disorder!?

CHARLOTTE: Because that's not what God intended.

Sasha takes a deep breath, covers her mouth for a second, and tries to calm down.

SASHA: Charlotte... please tell me this a prank show, and there's a hidden camera in here somewhere...

* * *

 **INT. - XAVIER'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

Xavier, Becky, and Alexa are sitting on the couch, watching Charlotte and Sasha from Xavier's television. Becky has a pen and a clipboard.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

ALEXA: This is impressive! How did you set all this up without them noticing?

XAVIER: I've had this camera in Sasha's bedroom since she moved in last year.

Alexa and Becky both look at Xavier, before scooting away from him.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE (through the television): Anyway, I felt like a disappointment, so I pretended the treatment worked so he'd be proud of me. My father is a great man, he taught me better than this. He shouldn't have to know about his diseased disgrace of a daughter.

SASHA (through the television): I don't know whether I should give you a hug or punch you in the mouth.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

* * *

 **INT. - SASHA'S APARTMENT (BEDROOM)**

Charlotte sighs, and sits down on the bed.

SASHA: So... you're a racist homophobe who's in an interracial homosexual relationship?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: That hurts, Sasha. I can't believe that you would call me a racist. Just because I'm ethnically pure and you're not doesn't mean-

SASHA: "ETHNICALLY PURE!?" WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?

CHARLOTTE: I feel really attacked right now, Sasha.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

* * *

 **INT. - XAVIER'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

BECKY: Dude, they're gonna break up before we even have a chance to chase Charlotte out.

SASHA (through the television): I... I really just can't believe you're like this.

CHARLOTTE (through the television): ...so I guess this isn't going to work out?

SASHA (through the television): I didn't say _that_.

XAVIER, BECKY, ALEXA, AND CHARLOTTE (in unison): WHAT!?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA (through the television): This is just... couples hit rough patches all the time.

XAVIER: HOW IS BEING A NAZI A "ROUGH PATCH"!?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE (through the television): You're right... we'll just agree to disagree about genetic superiority and whatnot.

XAVIER: ARE THEY SERIOUS!?

BECKY: This is like the pilot episode to a bad sitcom.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA (through the television): Great.

CHARLOTTE (through the television: So do you wanna-

SASHA (through the television): Have sex?

CHARLOTTE (though the television): Yes.

ALEXA: Aww, they're already finishing each other's sentences.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Becky turned off the television.

BECKY: Well, I finished my list of Charlotte's dislikes. Mexican food, minorities, homosexuality, and the Panthers' rival teams in the NFC South.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

ALEXA: Perfect, let's go out, grab some tortillas, a Saints jersey, and some interracial gay couples.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

XAVIER: I actually have an idea... We're about to become the most liberal apartment complex ever. Let's go to the store in 30 minutes.

BECKY: 30 minutes?

XAVIER: Yeah, I gotta shower.

Alexa and Becky both nod, and head towards the door.

ALEXA: We'll be back in 30.

Both girls leave. Xavier gets up from the couch, locks the door, and turns the television back on.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

* * *

*30 second Tampax commercial*

*15 second PlayStation commercial*

*15 second local restaurant commercial*

*30 second commercial for Smackdown Live*

*15 second Tesla commercial*

*15 second commercial about the new series Fearless premiering immediately after this episode*

* * *

 **INT. APARTMENT'S LAUNDRY ROOM**

Charlotte enters, alone, with a full hamper of dirty clothes, Becky walks in behind her, holding a small tray. She is wearing a rainbow bandanna and an "Erase H8" T-Shirt.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: Hey!

CHARLOTTE (turning around): Hi.

BECKY: I'm Becky, I'm just collecting everyone's weekly donations to GLAAD.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: You know GLAAD isn't a charity, right?

BECKY: Oh I know, but everyone here just thinks their work is so important, so every week, we come together and make a group donation.

Before Charlotte could respond, Xavier and Alexa walked in.

XAVIER: And I was like, _of course_ I'm voting for Bernie! What do you think I am, a conservative!?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Alexa and Xavier continue obnoxiously fake laughing, as Charlotte turns away from them, beginning to put her clothes in the washing machine.

ALEXA: Can you believe that some people are _actually_ voting for Trump!?

XAVIER: Like who?

BECKY: No one in this liberal apartment complex!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Becky joins in with Alexa and Xavier's obnoxious laughter.

CHARLOTTE (beginning to get annoyed): Maybe some people would appreciate secure borders and a president that isn't a politically correct Washington puppet.

XAVIER: A wall doesn't exactly constitute a foreign policy.

CHARLOTTE (fully angry): Anyone who isn't a millennial libtard that gets all of their news from memes and The Daily Show knows that Trump's foreign policy is WAY more extensive than that.

XAVIER: Go ahead, enlighten us.

CHARLOTTE: He has a wonderful foreign policy that'll improve all of our relationships with other countries, big league, it's gonna be great.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: Did you just say "bigly"?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: No, I said "big league".

BECKY:... yeah, "bigly".

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Charlotte closes the washing machine, presses the button, and drops a quarter into Becky's tray, before leaving.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

ALEXA: Well that didn't work. Wanna grab some Falcons gear?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

XAVIER: No.

BECKY: Don't be ridiculous Alexa. Let's tie her down and force feed her fajitas!

XAVIER: No!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

XAVIER: All we have to do is keep being really aggressively liberal around her, and after about 3 months, she won't be able to take it anymore.

BECKY: You think 3 months of my time is worth $20?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

XAVIER: All you have to do is preach about social injustice!

BECKY: Do I look like Bayley to you?

XAVIER: OH MY GOD! BAYLEY!

Xavier runs out of the laundry room.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

ALEXA: ...you can force feed _me_ fajitas...

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Becky rolls her eyes, and leaves the laundry room, as Alexa follows.

* * *

 **EXT. BAYLEY'S FRONT PORCH**

Xavier knocks on the front door. A small BOY cracks it open and peeks out.

XAVIER: Hey, is Bayley home?

BOY: I'm not supposed to talk to strangers.

XAVIER: I'm Xavier.

BOY: I don't know you.

XAVIER: What's my name?

BOY: Xavier.

XAVIER: See, I'm not a stranger.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BOY: ...WHOA! DUDE, THAT'S SMART!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

XAVIER: Can you go get her?

BOY: Yeah (the boy closes the door), BAYLEY! THERE'S A FREAKING GENIUS AT THE DOOR!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Bayley opens the door.

BAYLEY: Xavier?

XAVIER: Hey, I need help getting rid of Sasha's girlfriend. I just need someone to be kinda annoyingly liberal around-

BAYLEY: I'm in.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Xavier walks into Bayley's house, closing the door behind him.

* * *

*30 second Beats by Dre commercial*

*15 second YouTube Red commercial*

*15 second local news commercial*

*30 second commercial for Get Out*

*15 second Minute Maid commercial*

*15 second commercial about the new series Fearless premiering immediately after this episode*

* * *

 **EXT. SASHA AND XAVIER'S SHARED FRONT YARD**

Bayley is outside, knocking on Xavier's door. An interracial gay couple holding hands, a Hispanic man with a trumpet, and the little boy, holding a sign that says "MALIA OBAMA 2036" are standing behind her.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

She waits for about 30 more seconds, while the man starts quietly playing scales on his trumpet.

Bayley begins banging on the door.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Xavier opens the door and walks out of it.

XAVIER: Uh... who are they?

BAYLEY: This is Chris, and this is Orlando. They've been happily married for a full year now. Oh, and this is my undocumented amigo Jeff. And this is my little brother Ben, who will be voting for Malia Obama in the 2036 presidential election.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

XAVIER: Why so... aggressive? And early?

BAYLEY: It's the perfect time. Sasha's at work, her car is gone.

XAVIER: ...I don't think-

BAYLEY: Alright everybody, just like we rehearsed. 3...2...1...

As the door to Sasha's apartment opens, Jeff begins playing a loud C#, while Chris and Orlando start making out, and Bayley and Ben begin their anti-Trump chant. This continues for about 40 seconds, until Sasha slowly walks out of the door, in pajamas.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BAYLEY: Sasha!? Guys... guys stop!

Ben stops chanting, and Jeff stops playing, while Chris and Orlando continue to kiss.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BAYLEY: Your car was gone, I thought you were at work.

SASHA: My car is gone because Charlotte drove it to the bank.

BAYLEY: ...oh...

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: What is all this!?

BAYLEY: I... uh... Xavier-

XAVIER (with fake outrage): Is out here trying to figure out what all this noise is about!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BAYLEY: What!?

SASHA: I get it. You like to help persecuted minorities, but I don't think a protest in our front lawn is going to do much.

BAYLEY: But... But Xavier told me-

XAVIER: That you could have your protest here, but that's because I didn't know you'd bring a guy with a trumpet! It's like 8 in the morning!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BAYLEY: Dude, you-

XAVIER: LALALALALALALA, CAN'T HEAR YOU!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

The sound of a car parking, and a car door opening and being slammed shut are heard.

CHARLOTTE (off-screen): WHAT IS THIS!?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Sasha sighs, as Charlotte walks into the front yard.

CHARLOTTE (pulling Chris and Orlando apart): STOP! All of you! Leave!

BEN: You can't make us leave!

CHARLOTTE (taking her phone out): How about I call the police and see about that?

BAYLEY: We're not afraid of-wait, where are you guys going?

Bayley turns around confused, as Ben, Jeff, Chris, and Orlando start walking away.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BAYLEY (running off-screen after them): Guys! Guys!

CHARLOTTE: What is wrong with this place?

SASHA: I don't think there's enough time in the world to answer that.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE (grabbing Sasha's hand) Well... as long as you're here, there's nowhere else I'd rather be.

 _*AWW TRACK*_

XAVIER: Nowhere at all? Like Disney World, or France, or Italy?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard.

XAVIER: There's Switzerland, Miami Beach, there's just so many places in the world.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Charlotte and Sasha ignored him, as they walked into their apartment, holding hands.

XAVIER (dejectedly): I wish I was a 5'10 muscular blonde girl with big boobs.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

* * *

*2 minute and 30 second trailer for the new series Fearless premiering immediately after this episode*

* * *

 **INT. - BECKY'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

Alexa, and her girlfriend MICKIE are sitting on the couch, both eating popcorn. Becky walks through the front door.

ALEXA: Hey Becky, 2 questions.

BECKY: Go ahead.

MICKIE: I'm Mickie.

BECKY: Good for you.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

MICKIE: I'm Alexa's girlfriend.

BECKY: Sorry to hear that.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Alexa rolls her eyes.

ALEXA: Anyway, can Mickie stay here tonight?

BECKY: Sure.

ALEXA: Can we buy a movie on demand?

BECKY (pointing to the TV): Why can't you just keep watching this movie?

Alexa and Mickie both said nothing, awkwardly slumping in their seats.

BECKY (still pointing to the TV): I'm guessing you ordered it before asking me because you figured I'd say yes?

ALEXA: ...a little.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: How much was it?

ALEXA: ...a lot...

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: Like $15?

MICKIE: $49.99

BECKY: 50 DOLLARS!?

ALEXA: Porn isn't cheap.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: YOU PUT A 50 DOLLAR PORNO ON A CABLE BILL THAT YOU DON'T PAY!?

ALEXA: Becky, the past is in the past. We bought it. All we can do now is move forward.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: The bill is already $350, Alexa! Where am I supposed to-

MICKIE: Look, I'll take care of it.

BECKY: Take care of it!? How are you-

Mickie immediately pulled out $400, handing it to Becky.

BECKY (grabbing the money): ...enjoy your film. If you guys need anything, let me know, Mickie, feel free to stay as long as you want.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Becky leaves the room.

ALEXA: You didn't tell me you had money!

MICKIE: I don't, the money was counterfeit.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

ALEXA: You think she'll notice?

BECKY (off-screen): WHY IS BARACK OBAMA ON THESE $100 BILLS!?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

ALEXA: ...BECAUSE THEY PRINTED HIM ON THERE!?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

 **[CLOSING CREDITS]**


	2. Ep 102: UpUpDownDown

**INT. - XAVIER'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

XAVIER is sitting on the couch, with his cell phone next to his ear. His friends KOFI and E are sitting next to him.

XAVIER (on the phone):...yeah...yeah Sasha, that's a great idea...alright, bet, bring her over...bye...I love you...what?...I said bye...no, I didn't say anything after that.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

XAVIER (on the phone):...alright bye.

KOFI: Who's bringing who over?

E: Whom.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

XAVIER: Sasha is bringing Charlotte over for game night.

KOFI: Who is Charlotte?

E: Whom.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Kofi (confused) _Whom_ is Charlotte?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

XAVIER: Her Klansman girlfriend.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

KOFI:...like...she wears the pointy hat and stuff?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

XAVIER: Not exactly.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Just then, the door opens, SASHA and CHARLOTTE enter. Sasha immediately closes and locks the door as Charlotte stands, frozen in fear.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

KOFI: Hey, I'm-

Before Kofi can finish his sentence, Charlotte runs past him and locks herself in the living room closet.

 _* LAUGH TRACK*_

KOFI:...I wasn't finished.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

* * *

 **[OPENING CREDITS SEQUENCE** **]**

 **CREATED BY: HAYLEN SAINT AND JESUS PIECE SHEAMUS  
WRITTEN BY: JESUS PIECE SHEAMUS**

* * *

 **INT. - XAVIER'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

E: So... is our first game hide and seek?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Sasha sighs, walking over to the closet. She knocks on the door.

SASHA: Charlotte...

CHARLOTTE:...what?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: Can you please come back out?

CHARLOTTE: It's locked.

SASHA (trying to turn the door knob): That's because you locked it, babe.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: Check your phone.

Sasha's phone vibrates.

SASHA (reading): I'm outnumbered by you guys and I don't feel safe.

CHARLOTTE: You weren't supposed to read it out loud!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: Charlotte, nothing is going to happen to you.

CHARLOTTE: Yeah, because I'm in here.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA (sighing): Somehow, you guys have to earn her trust.

XAVIER: Or we could just play Brown Ops III until she has to use the bathroom.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: No!

Xavier sighs.

XAVIER (putting a disc into his game system): Fine, Basketball it is.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

* * *

 **INT. - BECKY'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

ALEXA is sitting on the couch, with MICKIE.

ALEXA: Hey Becky!... BECKY!... HEY, BECKY, WAKE UP!

BECKY walks into the living room, looking half-conscious.

BECKY: What?

ALEXA: It's 8 at night, why are you sleeping?

BECKY: I have to wake up very, very early tomorrow, I have a 5 AM shift at the Pancake Factory.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

MICKIE: I thought you said Becky was a bartender?

BECKY: I am, I work at Balor Pub too.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

MICKIE: Wow, you work 2 jobs?

BECKY: 3. I'm a substitute teacher.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

MICKIE: Why so many jobs?

BECKY: So we can afford the apartment while Alexa looks for a job. How's that going by the way?

ALEXA: Becky, you have work tomorrow, you should probably go to bed.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: Thought so.

Becky groggily leaves.

* * *

*30 second Activia commercial*

*15 second Cup Noodles commercial*

*15 second local law firm commercial*

*15 second commercial for Painting Pictures by Kodak Black*

*30 second Kendall Jenner Pepsi commercial*

*15 second commercial about the new series Fearless premiering immediately after this episode*

* * *

 **INT. - BECKY'S APARTMENT (BECKY'S BEDROOM)**

Becky is in her bed, covering her ears with her pillow while the sounds of Alexa singing a generic KISS-style song echo throughout the house.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: WHY ARE YOU SINGING!?

ALEXA (off-screen): I'M PLAYING ROCKBAND HERO 5!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: I HAVE TO SLEEP!

ALEXA (off-screen): THEN STOP TALKING AND GO TO SLEEP!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Becky sighs, putting the blanket over her head, until she hears the loud noise of a blender being used.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: ARE YOU SERIOUS!?

ALEXA (off-screen): I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

BECKY: I SAID "ARE YOU SERIOUS!?"

The blender stops.

ALEXA (off-screen): YEAH, I SERIOUSLY COULDN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE BLENDER!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: WHY ARE YOU USING THE BLENDER!?

ALEXA (off-screen): I'M NOT, MICKIE IS MAKING A SMOOTHIE!

The blender starts again. Becky sighs, trying to ignore it. After 35 more seconds, the blender stops.

ALEXA (off-screen): HEY MICKIE, MAKE ME ONE!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

The blender starts once again, and Becky plugs her own ears with her fingers.

 _* LAUGH TRACK*_

* * *

 **INT. - XAVIER'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

Kofi, Xavier, and E are on the couch, playing a video game and eating snacks, while Sasha sits on the floor in front of the closet door.

SASHA: Babe...

Charlotte does not respond.

SASHA (pulling out her phone): I'm gonna tell you a story, okay babe?

Again, no response.

SASHA: Once upon a time, there was a mother pig, who had three little blonde, blue eyed, white, baby pigs.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: ...I'm listening.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: The three little pigs grew so big that their mother said to them, "You're too big to live here any longer. You must go and build houses for yourselves. But make sure that the Big Black Wolf doesn't catch you."

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

E looks over at Sasha, before turning his attention back to the game.

SASHA: The first little pig built himself a house of straw. He was very pleased with his house. He said, "Now the Big Black Wolf won't catch me and eat me." Then the second little pig built himself a house of sticks. It was stronger than the house of straw. The second little pig was very pleased with his house. He said, "There's no way Big Black Wolf'll catch me and eat me in here!" The third little pig built himself a house of bricks. It took him a long time to build it, for it was a very strong house. One day, the first and second pigs came over to visit the third pig at his housewarming party.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: The Big Black Wolf knocked on the door and said, "Little pig, little pig, my name is LaMarcus, I live next door, I see that you're having a housewarming party, you should let me in so I can give you these cool collectible coasters I bought at a department store."

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Xavier, E, and Kofi all put down their controllers and look at Sasha for about 15 seconds as the laugh track continues, then pick them back up and continue their game.

SASHA: "Not by the hair on our chinny chin chin" said the first and second pigs. The third pig said, "I don't know guys, he seems really nice. Just because our parents told us we should fear him based on preconceived notions and stereotypes doesn't mean we shouldn't give him a chance."

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: "Whatever" sighed the first pig. "I guess" the second pig shrugged. The third pig opened the door and the Big Black Wolf walked in and nothing bad happened and the coasters were really cute, they were old school music record coasters made of labels cut from the center of actual vinyl records and everyone had a fun time and nothing bad happened, the end.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: Sasha...

SASHA: Yeah?

CHARLOTTE: There was one wolf in that story, there's three out there.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

KOFI (to Xavier): You sure she doesn't wear the pointy hat and stuff?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

XAVIER:...can't say that I am.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

* * *

 **INT. - BECKY'S APARTMENT (BECKY'S BEDROOM)**

Becky is asleep, and the apartment is almost silent, besides her snoring.

A loud sound is heard from the living room, waking Becky up.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

MICKIE (off-screen): ALEXA, THE TV FELL OFF OF THE WALL!

ALEXA (off-screen): IT'S COOL, I'LL GET MY DRILL AND PUT THE SCREWS BACK IN IT!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: WHY ARE YOU TWO YELLING TO EACH OTHER!?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

MICKIE (off-screen): BECAUSE WE-

Mickie is immediately drowned out by the sound of Alexa drilling new screws in the back of the flat screen TV's stand.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Becky grabs her digital clock, which reads 10:00 PM, before ramming her forehead into it repeatedly.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

* * *

*30 second Tampax commercial*

*15 second PlayStation commercial*

*15 second local restaurant commercial*

*30 second commercial for Smackdown Live*

*15 second Tesla commercial*

*15 second commercial about the new series Fearless premiering immediately after this episode*

* * *

 **INT. - XAVIER'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

Sasha, Kofi, Xavier, and E are on the couch, playing a video game and eating snacks.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

E: So... we're just gonna ignore her being in there?

SASHA: She'll be out soon. She can't stay in a closet _that_ long.

KOFI: I don't know, Elton John was in the closet for 32 years.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

XAVIER: It's kinda nice without her, to be honest.

Sasha sighs, continuing to play. Xavier fakes a yawn, starting to put his arm around Sasha.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: What are you doing?

XAVIER (pulling his arm back): Nothing... I was... you had something on your other shoulder. I got it though.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Sasha rolls her eyes and sighs, as she continues to play.

* * *

 **INT. - BECKY'S APARTMENT (BECKY'S BEDROOM)**

Becky is once again asleep.

ALEXA (off-screen): AHHHH! AHHHHH! MICKIE, GET IT! HIT IT WITH SOMETHING!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Becky sighed, waking up once again. A loud shoe noise is heard.

MICKIE (off-screen): Got it.

ALEXA (off-screen): I'M SOOOOOO SCARED OF MOTHS!

Becky's eyes lit up with anger.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

The apartment is silent for 45 seconds, as Becky slowly begins to go back to sleep.

ALEXA (off-screen): BOO!

MICKIE (off-screen): AH!

Becky flinches, waking up.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

ALEXA (off-screen): GOTCHA!

MICKIE (off-screen): YOU SCARED ME, DON'T EVER DO THAT AGAIN!

BECKY (getting out of bed): I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!

* * *

 **INT. - BECKY'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

Becky storms into the living room, where Alexa and Mickie are sitting on the couch.

BECKY: IT IS 2 IN THE MORNING! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, ALEXA!? ARE YOU 5!? CAN YOU NOT STAY QUIET FOR 8 HOURS SO I CAN SLEEP!? WHAT PART OF "I HAVE WORK AT 5" DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND!? YOU KNOW WHAT, IT'S PROBABLY THE WORK PART! BECAUSE YOU DON'T WORK! ALL YOU DO IS SIT ON YOUR ASS WITH YOUR 40 YEAR OLD GIRLFRIEND AND EAT FOOD THAT I PAY FOR, AND ANNOY ME! HOW ABOUT YOU SHUT UP AND HAVE SOME CONSIDERATION FOR SOMETHING OTHER THAN YOURSELF FOR ONCE!?

Alexa (nonchalantly): Becky, I'm right here, why are you yelling?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY (walking towards Alexa): You're about to die. Right now.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

ALEXA (removing Becky's hands from her neck): STOP! BECKY, RELAX!

Becky grabs Alexa and puts her in a headlock, as Mickie stares in shock..

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

ALEXA: BECKY!

BECKY: Say you're sorry!

ALEXA: I'M SORRY!

BECKY: For what!?

ALEXA: I DON'T KNOW, I'M JUST DOING WHATEVER YOU SAY!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: Say you're sorry for being inconsiderate and lazy!

ALEXA: I'M SORRY FOR BEING INCONSIDERATE AND LAZY!

BECKY: Say you're gonna shut the hell up and let me sleep!

ALEXA: I'M GONNA SHUT THE HELL UP AND LET YOU SLEEP!

Becky lets Alexa go.

ALEXA: Just letting you know... I could've got out of that if I wanted to.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Becky quickly leans towards at Alexa, who runs and jumps over the couch, to hide behind it.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Just as Becky turns around to walk back to her bedroom, someone knocks on the door.

BECKY: It's 2. It's freaking 2!

ALEXA (peeking over the couch): 2:30.

BECKY: SHUT UP!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

The knock is heard again. Becky opens the door to see Sasha standing in the doorway.

BECKY: What?

SASHA: Can you guys please come to Xavier's apartment and just stand there for like 10 seconds so I can get Charlotte to come home?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY (sighing): Fine.

Becky, Alexa, and Mickie follow Sasha out of the door.

* * *

*2 minute and 30 second trailer for the new series Fearless premiering immediately after this episode*

* * *

 **INT. - XAVIER'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

Sasha, Alexa, Mickie, and Becky enter the apartment, where Kofi, E, and Xavier are on the couch, falling asleep.

SASHA: Wow, look who came over! It's my white friends Alexa, Mickie, and Becky!

CHARLOTTE (walking out of the closet, excitedly): Let's play some games!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA (grabbing her wrist): We're going home.

CHARLOTTE (being led out of the door): Oh... okay. This was fun, we'll have to do this again sometime. EJ, Coffee, nice to meet you.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Sasha and Charlotte leave.

BECKY: Why are they dating!?

XAVIER: Why do you have a roommate that makes it _harder_ to pay rent?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: You got me there.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

E: I'm kinda hungry, Kofi.

Kofi: Pancake Factory?

E: Yeah!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

E and Kofi left.

Becky sighed.

BECKY (walking out of the front door): I gotta go get ready to serve them.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

ALEXA (to Mickie): ...I really could've got out of that headlock if I wanted to, Becky's not even that strong.

BECKY (off-screen): DID YOU SAY SOMETHING!?

ALEXA (frightened): NO MA'AM!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

 **[CLOSING CREDITS]**


	3. Ep 103: The Help

**INT. - SASHA'S APARTMENT (BEDROOM)**

SASHA and CHARLOTTE are laying in bed, asleep. Charlotte's phone starts ringing, and they both slowly start to wake up.

CHARLOTTE (answering the phone): Hello?... Oh hey, Dad... what do you need my address for?... YOU'RE IN TOWN RIGHT NOW!?... Uh... nothing, dad, nothing's wrong!... Yeah, um... it's 316 Austin Street.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE (still on the phone): Alright... love you too... bye.

Charlotte hangs up.

CHARLOTTE: MY DAD IS HERE ALL THE WAY FROM NORTH CAROLINA, WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING!

SASHA: Why?

CHARLOTTE: IF MY DAD FINDS OUT I'M IN AN INTERRACIAL GAY RELATIONSHIP HE'S GONNA DISOWN ME!

SASHA: If he really loves you he'll-

CHARLOTTE: I got it! You can pretend to be my maid!

SASHA: Excuse me?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: Yeah! All you have to do is clean stuff, cook us dinner, and call me Ms. Flair for a few hours.

SASHA: ...are you serious right now?

CHARLOTTE (running off-camera, to the living room): Hurry! Help me take down these pictures of you and your family!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: Oh my god, she's serious right now.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE (off-camera): SASHA!

Sasha sighs and gets out of the bed.

SASHA: COMING, MS. FLAIR!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

* * *

 **[OPENING CREDITS SEQUENCE]**

 **CREATED BY: HAYLEN SAINT AND JESUS PIECE SHEAMUS  
WRITTEN BY: JESUS PIECE SHEAMUS**

* * *

 **INT. - BECKY'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

It's completely empty and silent in the apartment. All of a sudden, BECKY storms in through the front door.

BECKY: Alexa! Why are you... wait a minute, Alexa isn't here doing anything annoying...

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY (walking off-screen): Alexa!? You better not clog the toilet!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

The sound of Becky opening the bathroom door is heard.

BECKY: Oh... you're not in there either...

The sound of Becky opening her bedroom door is heard.

Becky returns to the living room.

BECKY: Alexa's not here... This is clearly a sign from God that I should take a nice peaceful nap.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

* * *

 **INT. - SASHA'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

Charlotte leaves the living room as Sasha is taking her family pictures off of the wall and putting them into a white trash bag.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Charlotte returns to the living room holding a french maid's outfit.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: When and why did you buy a sexy maid's outfit?

CHARLOTTE: The day before I moved in with you, and for sex, duh.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: That's what you asked for my measurements for?

CHARLOTTE: Well I wasn't sure what you were into so I got a couple different ones, maid, nurse, prisoner.

SASHA: Prisoner?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: Yeah, I have a cop outfit, we could do like an abuse of power role-play or something, look, that's not the point, hurry up and put this on!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Sasha looks at Charlotte strangely for a bit, before taking the outfit and walking off-screen with it, carrying the bag of pictures in the other hand. Someone knocks on the door.

CHARLOTTE (opening the door): Hey Dad!... oh... what do you want?

XAVIER slowly walks into the house.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

XAVIER: I wanted to ask Sasha if she wanted to-

CHARLOTTE: Not now, she's working.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Sasha returns, wearing the outfit.

 _*OOH TRACK*_

SASHA: Hey, Xavier.

Xavier says nothing, staring in a trance.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: Xavier, are you okay?

CHARLOTTE: Dude, if you're gonna have a medical emergency can you please do it at your house? My dad will be here any second.

SASHA: Charlotte!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA (walking over to Xavier and grabbing his hand): There's obviously something wrong with him, Xavier sit down.

XAVIER (snapping out of it): I'm-I'm fine. All good. Just uh... just taking picture of all my friends for a collage... it's called ode to friendship.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: Oh okay, well, is there anything specifically I need to-

Xavier pulls out his phone and starts taking pictures of Sasha, pressing the camera button rapidly.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

XAVIER (leaving): So, I'll sift through them and pick the best ones for the collage and... yeah, see you guys.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: I worry about Xavier sometimes. One time we went to the beach, and as soon as I stepped out of the house in my swimsuit, he froze up the exact same way, I think he might have like a central nervous system related disorder or something.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

A car door closes.

CHARLOTTE: Okay, he's here. Go dust something.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Sasha grabs the wool duster and begins wiping of the television as RIC enters.

 _*APPLAUSE TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE (hugging him): Hey Dad!

RIC (looking around): This is a nice little place you got here, Char.

CHARLOTTE: Thanks. Oh by the way, this is my maid, Sasha.

Sasha holds out her hand for a handshake.

Ric smiles and nods, walking past her.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Sasha rolls her eyes and continues dusting, as Charlotte fakes a huge smile.

* * *

*30 second Activia commercial*

*15 second Cup Noodles commercial*

*15 second local law firm commercial*

*15 second commercial for Spiderman: Homecoming*

*30 second Kendall Jenner Pepsi commercial*

*15 second commercial about the new episode of Fearless premiering immediately after this episode*

* * *

 **EXT. BAYLEY'S FRONT PORCH**

Xavier knocks on the front door. BEN cracks it open and peeks out.

BEN: Xavier!

XAVIER: Hey, is Bayley here?

BEN: I'll go get her.

Ben leaves, eventually BAYLEY opens the door.

BAYLEY: What's up?

XAVIER: Do you wanna like... go to lunch with me?

BAYLEY: ...are you asking me out on a date?

XAVIER: ...I mean, not really but I guess, kinda?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BAYLEY: ...uh... sure, let me grab my starter jacket.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

* * *

 **INT. - SASHA'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

Charlotte and Ric are sitting on the couch, while Sasha is in the kitchen, cooking.

RIC (pointing to the table about a foot in front of them): Hey, can you grab that remote!?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Sasha just looks at Charlotte in shock.

CHARLOTTE: ...today, please!?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Sasha slams down her spatula and walks into the living room. She grabs the remote and hands it to Ric. Ric, without saying thank you, changes the channel as Sasha's eyes get huge.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE (mouthing silently): I'M SO SORRY!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Sasha walks back to the kitchen.

CHARLOTTE: Sasha, while you're in there, can you get us some waters?

SASHA (pouring out a bottle of water and filling it with tap water): Sure thing, Ms. Flair!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

* * *

 **INT. - BECKY'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

Becky is in the living room, straightening up, and humming to herself.

Someone knocks on her front door.

Becky opens the door to see MICKIE standing in the door way.

BECKY: Mickie! Hello! Nice to see you! What a wonderful day it is, come in!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

MICKIE: Why are you in such a good mood?

BECKY (shrugging): I'm not sure.

MICKIE: Where's Alexa?

BECKY (blissfully): I haven't seen her all day.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

MICKIE: Well she hasn't been answering my calls or texts.

BECKY: Oh... well bye.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

MICKIE: Wait, aren't you worried about her?

BECKY: ...nope. See ya.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

MICKIE: But anything could've happened to her! What if someone broke in and kidnapped her while you were at work!?

BECKY: You think someone broke into my house and the only thing they stole was Alexa?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

MICKIE (increasingly concerned): Becky, I'm serious! I... I miss my Lexi-Wexi!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: I'm gonna completely pretend you didn't say that.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: Besides, if someone kidnapped Alexa, they'll definitely bring her back.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

MICKIE: Well if you're not gonna go find her, I am!

Mickie runs out of the apartment.

Becky shrugs and goes back to humming.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

* * *

 **INT. - SASHA'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

Charlotte and Ric are still on the couch.

Sasha comes into the living room, with two plates.

CHARLOTTE: What did you make, babe?

Charlotte puts her hand on her mouth as she realizes her mistake.

Sasha stands, frozen.

CHARLOTTE: I call her babe because her hair's the same color as that pig from that movie.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Ric bursts into laughter.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA (over Ric's laughter): I MADE PORK CHOPS AND SCALLOPED POTATOES!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE (also over Ric's laughter): OKAY, GREAT!

RIC (still laughing): HAHA! FROM THE MOVIE! HAHAHA!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

As Ric continues laughing, Sasha puts the plates on the table and walks back to the kitchen.

* * *

*30 second Tampax commercial*

*15 second PlayStation commercial*

*15 second local restaurant commercial*

*30 second commercial for Smackdown Live*

*15 second Tesla commercial*

*15 second commercial about the new episode of Fearless premiering immediately after this episode*

* * *

 **INT. RESTAURANT**

Bayley and Xavier are sitting at a table. Bayley looks incredibly annoyed and bored, and Xavier is typing away on his phone.

XAVIER: What's Sasha's favorite food?

BAYLEY: Meatloaf.

XAVIER: What's her middle name?

BAYLEY: Mercedes.

XAVIER: Celebrity crush?

BAYLEY: I don't know, some K-Pop star?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

XAVIER: Air freshener brand of choice?

BAYLEY: Febreze.

XAVIER: How many weeks did she vote for Sanjaya on American Idol season six?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BAYLEY: Like 3 or 4, did you bring me here just to ask me about Sasha?

XAVIER: Yeah, let's say we put a plate of hot wings in front of Sasha, does she grab a drum or a flat?

BAYLEY: Both, but wait.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BAYLEY: Why are you giving me a Sasha Trivia Quiz?

XAVIER: ...no reason, next question.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

The WAITRESS arrives at the table.

WAITRESS: Can I get you guys anything?

BAYLEY: The check, please?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

The waitress walks away.

XAVIER: Does she like guys more or girls more?

BAYLEY: Guys.

XAVIER: Winter Soldier or Civil War?

BAYLEY: Civil War.

XAVIER: Fries or potato wedges?

BAYLEY: Fries.

XAVIER: Biggie or Tupac?

BAYLEY: If you ask me one more question about Sasha, you'll be meeting both of them.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Xavier nervously looks at Bayley for a bit.

BAYLEY: ...Tupac.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Xavier nods and types it into his phone's notes.

* * *

 **INT. - BECKY'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

Becky is sitting on the couch, watching TV, when someone knocks on her door.

BECKY: COME IN!

Mickie walks in, crying.

BECKY: What's wrong?

MICKIE: It's 8 o'clock and I still don't know where my Lexi-Wexi is!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: ...since when do you call her that?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

MICKIE: THAT'S NOT THE POINT!

BECKY: Okay! Okay!... look, we'll just wait, after 24 hours you can report a person missing.

MICKIE: 24 HOURS!? IT'S ONLY BEEN 7 I CAN'T WAIT THAT LONG!

BECKY: Fine, if she's not here by 10 I'll go looking.

Mickie starts crying again, and leaves.

BECKY (sighing, putting her hands behind her head and her feet on the table): ...2 more hours of heaven.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

* * *

 **INT. - SASHA'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

Charlotte and Ric are still on the couch, as Sasha washes the dishes in the kitchen.

RIC: So, is Sasha legal?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: She-

SASHA (entering the room, pissed off): I'm not Hispanic, sir. I'm half black.

RIC: Oh... single white mom.

 _*CORNY SITCOM "TROUBLE'S A BREWING" SOUND*_

SASHA: Excuse you?

CHARLOTTE (grabbing the remote): Subject change!? Sure! Shouldn't there be a baseball game on tonight!?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

RIC (shrugging): I guess I'll never understand this race mixing nonsense.

SASHA: Nonsense?

CHARLOTTE: Oh look! The White Sox are playing! You're wearing white socks right now Dad, what a coincidence!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

RIC: I will never for the life of me understand why everyone wants to date outside of their own kind these days.

SASHA: I don't know, ask your daughter.

 _*CORNY SITCOM "TROUBLE'S A BREWING" SOUND*_

CHARLOTTE: ...I don't understand it either.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

RIC (looking confused): What are implying?

CHARLOTTE: Nothing. She's implying nothing. Sasha, can you go to my bedroom, grab my phone charger, and then lock yourself in the room please?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: I'm not Charlotte's maid! I'm Charlotte's girlfriend!

 _*CORNY SITCOM "TROUBLE'S A BREWING" SOUND*_

Ric looks confused and Charlotte looks at Sasha in shock.

SASHA: Yeah, that's right! Your daughter has been living with and having sex with a woman! A black woman! And we love each other, despite all the biases and ignorance you've instilled in her!

Ric looks at Charlotte, before bursting into laughter.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Sasha and Charlotte both look extremely confused

RIC (still laughing): Charlotte, you didn't tell me she was a comedian!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Charlotte starts to fake laugh.

SASHA: I'm serious!

Ric laughs even harder.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE (fake laughing harder): She said she's serious!

Ric and Charlotte continue to laugh.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

RIC (still laughing): Could you imagine if she was actually serious! I would drag you back to North Carolina by your hair and send you to another therapist!

CHARLOTTE (laughing ever harder): HAHAHA! GOOD THING SHE'S JOKING!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

RIC: Oh boy, well, I gotta get going. It was nice spending time with you.

Ric and Charlotte stand up and hug.

RIC: Oh, and Sasha, don't give up on your comedy thing. You have a gift.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Ric leaves as Sasha stands in shock.

Charlotte puts her ear up to the door and waits for him to drive away.

CHARLOTTE (hugging Sasha): We did it!

SASHA (pushing her off): Don't touch me!

CHARLOTTE: Why?

SASHA: You can't even accept me in front of your father! You're ashamed of me!

Charlotte sighs, walking to the bedroom, as Sasha sits down on the couch.

 _*SAD AWW TRACK*_

* * *

 **INT. - BECKY'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

Becky puts on a jacket, and opens the front door, to see Alexa standing there.

 _*APPLAUSE TRACK*_

BECKY: Alexa? I was just about to go look for you.

ALEXA: AHA!

BECKY: Aha?

ALEXA: UH HUH! AHA!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

ALEXA: Remember yesterday when you said your life would be so much easier if I disappeared?

BECKY (shrugging): I say that every day.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

ALEXA: Well I proved you wrong! You were about to go looking for me! You couldn't even last a day without me! I bet you were worried sick the whole time!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: ...no... I really wasn't.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

ALEXA: Of course you were. You were all like,

ALEXA (in a terrible Irish accent): Oh no, me Lexi-Wexi has gone missin'! Alert the cavalry!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: No, it was actually REALLY nice to have you gone.

ALEXA: Yeah right. Don't worry, I'm fine.

BECKY: I really wish you weren't.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Alexa rolls her eyes and laughs, closing and locking the front door behind her.

ALEXA: Sorry to scare you like that. It's just, sometimes I feel like sometimes you don't realize how much you really need me.

BECKY (sarcastically): Yep. What ever would I do without good ole Alexa?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Alexa hugs Becky.

* * *

*2 minute and 30 second trailer for the new episode of Fearless premiering immediately after this episode*

* * *

 **INT. - SASHA'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

Sasha is still on the couch, as Charlotte slowly walks into the room, in her cop outfit.

 _*OOH TRACK*_

SASHA: I'm still mad at you.

CHARLOTTE: Ma'am, the sexy limit in this room 8 out of 10, you're an 11. I'm gonna have to ask you to come with me.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Sasha rolls her eyes, as Charlotte grabs her arm.

SASHA: What are you doing?

CHARLOTTE (handcuffing Sasha): You're under arrest.

SASHA (emotionlessly): Oh no. Please. Is there anything I can do?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE (walking Sasha out of the room): We'll see what we can work out. You have the right to remain silent, but you won't be using it.

 _*OOH AND LAUGH TRACKS SIMULTANEOUSLY*_

 **[CLOSING CREDITS]**


	4. Ep 104: The N Word

**INT. - SASHA'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

SASHA is sitting on the loveseat while CHARLOTTE is sitting on the couch. They both look visibly annoyed.

CHARLOTTE: I didn't mean it like that!

SASHA: Then how did you mean it!?

CHARLOTTE: You know I'd never call you that word in real life.

SASHA: What do you mean real life!? Sex _is_ real life!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: I didn't say it maliciously! I said it because it was hot!

SASHA: I don't care! It's not okay!

CHARLOTTE: So it didn't turn you on?

SASHA: ...I mean... look, that's not the point!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

A knock is heard at the door.

SASHA: Come in!

BAYLEY walks in through the front door.

BAYLEY: Hey guys!... what's wrong?

Charlotte sighs.

SASHA: We're having a bit of a disagreement.

CHARLOTTE: She's mad because we were having sex and I said nig-

SASHA: Say it again and I'll punch your face off.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

* * *

 **[OPENING CREDITS SEQUENCE]**

 **CREATED BY: HAYLEN SAINT AND JESUS PIECE SHEAMUS  
WRITTEN BY: JESUS PIECE SHEAMUS**

* * *

 **INT. - SASHA'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

CHARLOTTE: You liked it!

BAYLEY: Wait, you liked it?

SASHA: That's not the point!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BAYLEY: I mean, you can't be really surprised.

SASHA and CHARLOTTE (in unison): What's that supposed to mean?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BAYLEY: ...you're dating a Neo-Nazi.

Charlotte gasps.

SASHA: DID YOU JUST CALL MY GIRLFRIEND THE N WORD!?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BAYLEY: I'm sorry, did you just call the word "Nazi" the N word?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: That word is actually really offensive to Charlotte, can you please not call her that!?

BAYLEY: ...Am I on a prank show right now?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: That word is basically a SLUR against right-wingers, Becky.

BAYLEY: My name is Bayley.

CHARLOTTE: I don't care about your stupid name! Apologize!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: You really should apologize.

BAYLEY: I'm not apologizing for calling your Nazi girlfriend a Nazi!

SASHA: Bayley! (turns to Charlotte) Charlotte, I'm so sorry, she's not usually like this.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: What's with you libtards calling everyone that disagrees with you a Nazi?

BAYLEY I don't call people that disagree with me Nazis, I call Nazis Nazis, Nazi.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: Stop calling me a Nazi!

BAYLEY: You think people who aren't white and heterosexual are inferior to people who are.

CHARLOTTE: And?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BAYLEY: That makes you a Nazi!

CHARLOTTE: You know, you should be more aware of how your word choices effect others.

BAYLEY: You called me a libtard.

CHARLOTTE: So?

BAYLEY: That literally means "liberal retard".

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE (shrugging): That's what you are.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: Look Bayley, I know you and Charlotte don't see eye to eye on everything, but you've got it all wrong. Charlotte's a great person, she just has some radical political beliefs. You can't judge someone over their opinions.

BAYLEY: I don't know if you're blinded by love or lust or whatever is going on between you two, but this relationship is honestly disgusting. I expected better from you, Sasha.

Bayley leaves.

CHARLOTTE (nervously): You don't think I'm a Nazi... right?

SASHA (putting an arm around her): Of course not, baby.

CHARLOTTE: Okay good... was my rebel flag shirt in that load of clothes you washed?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Sasha sighs.

SASHA: Yeah.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE (leaving the room): Okay, great.

* * *

*30 second Activia commercial*

*15 second Cup Noodles commercial*

*15 second local law firm commercial*

*15 second commercial for It*

*30 second Pepsi commercial*

*15 second commercial about the new episode of Fearless premiering immediately after this episode*

* * *

 **INT. - XAVIER'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

XAVIER is sitting on the couch, watching television.

XAVIER: NIKKI! NO! WATCH OUT!

Just then, someone rings the doorbell.

Xavier sighs, pauses the television, and opens the door. Becky immediately walks through it.

XAVIER: What do you want? I'm watching Fearless.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: Which one? The episode where Brie-

XAVIER: SPOILER ALERT!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY (raising her hands): Sorry!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

XAVIER: So what's up?

BECKY: You know that creepy camera system you use to stalk Sasha?

XAVIER: Of course.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: I need you to set one up in my shower.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

XAVIER: ...because?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: Because I'm 99.9% sure Mickie is stealing from me, but I can't just accuse her without proof.

XAVIER: So you want me to put an HD camera, that records 24/7, inside of your shower?

BECKY (shrugging): It's a win-win situation, I get to get rid of a thief, you get to watch Alexa shower a couple times.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

XAVIER: You realize you live in the apartment too, right?

Becky's eyes got huge.

BECKY: I didn't think about that... Look, just destroy the camera footage after we catch her.

XAVIER: Uh... sure!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Becky rolls her eyes.

XAVIER: When do you want me to set the system up?

BECKY (handing Xavier her key): Now. I'm going to work, and Mickie and Alexa just left to go see Suicide Squad for the 5th time.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

XAVIER: Suicide Squad is pretty awful.

BECKY: All comic book movies are.

Xavier gasps.

XAVIER: What!? Have you not seen the Dark Night Trilogy!? The original 2 Spider-Man movies!? The Captain America trilogy!? Hell, most of the Marvel Cinematic Universe!?

BECKY (leaving): I'm late for work, and I don't want Finn yelling at me, you can nerd out on me some other time.

XAVIER: I most certainly will!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

* * *

*Graphic of the sun setting*

* * *

 **INT. - BECKY'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

Becky walks in, seeing MICKIE sitting on the couch.

BECKY: Hey.

MICKIE (sighing): Hey.

BECKY: What's wrong?

MICKIE: Alexa.

BECKY: I feel ya.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

MICKIE: It's the movie.

BECKY: What about it?

MICKIE: I think she's watched it a little too much.

BECKY: What do you mean?

MICKIE: She's obsessed with Harley Quinn now. It was cute for a little while, now it's getting really annoying.

ALEXA enters through the front door, with full Harley Quinn costume, makeup, and hair-dye, holding a baseball bat.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

ALEXA (in a terrible Brooklyn accent): So... how do I look?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

MICKIE (annoyed): Like Margot Robbie in Suicide Squad.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

ALEXA (with a bit of a smile): ...good.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: Alexa, take out the trash please?

ALEXA (still with terrible accent): What was that? I should leave it full and wait until Becky has to throw something away so she'll have no choice but to take it out? Sorry, that was the voices. Ahaha, I'm kidding! That's not what they really said.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Becky and Mickie both look, straight faced, and unamused.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: ...take the trash out, please.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Becky walks out of the room, as Alexa sighs.

* * *

*Graphic of the sun rising*

* * *

 **EXT. BAYLEY'S FRONT PORCH**

Sasha knocks on the front door. BEN cracks it open and peeks out.

BEN: Hey, Sasha.

SASHA: Hey! Get Bayley.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Ben looks a bit offended, before closing the door. After a few seconds, Bayley opens it.

BAYLEY: What's up?

SASHA: Come get breakfast with me?

BAYLEY: Uh... sure.

* * *

 **INT. SASHA'S CAR**

Charlotte is sitting in the passenger seat of Sasha's car, bored.

Sasha opens the driver's seat door, and Bayley opens the passenger seat door.

CHARLOTTE and BAYLEY (in unison): You didn't tell me she was going too!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: We're all going, Bayley, get in the back.

Bayley sighs, and gets into the seat behind Charlotte, as Sasha starts the car.

SASHA: Look, you guys are the two most important people in my life, and I want you two to get along.

BAYLEY (sarcastically apologetic): I can't get along with Nazi's, sorry.

CHARLOTTE (losing patience): That word offends me, Bayley. Please stop saying it.

Sasha begins driving away from the house.

SASHA: We're going to stop talking about politics, and have a nice, fun, friendly conversation, over some pancakes.

BAYLEY: This is more than "political beliefs", she believes she's better than us because of our race, that's not okay at all.

CHARLOTTE: You're white.

BAYLEY: I'm Latina.

CHARLOTTE: Oh! Good. The next time you call me a Nazi, I'm getting you deported.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BAYLEY: I was born in San Jose.

CHARLOTTE: Then how did you end up in America?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Bayley facepalms, as Sasha looks at Charlotte in disbelief for a second, before turning her attention back to the road and sighing.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

* * *

*30 second Tampax commercial*

*15 second PlayStation commercial*

*15 second local restaurant commercial*

*30 second commercial for Smackdown Live*

*15 second Tesla commercial*

*15 second commercial about the new episode of Fearless premiering immediately after this episode*

* * *

 **INT. BECKY'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

Alexa is pacing around the room, with her bat, while Mickie tries to watch television.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

MICKIE: Harley, can you please stop walking past the TV?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

ALEXA (with terrible accent): Sorry, Puddin'.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Mickie sighs.

* * *

 **INT. PANCAKE FACTORY**

Sasha, Charlotte, and Bayley are sitting at a table.

Becky, looking down at her notepad, approaches them.

BECKY: Welcome to Pancake Factory, how may- (looks up from the pad) oh. What do you want?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: I thought you worked at Balor Pub?

BECKY: I do.

BAYLEY: But Ben said you were his substitute teacher two weeks ago?

BECKY: I was.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: Why do you have 3 jobs?

BECKY: Because my apartment has 3 adults in it, two of which are unemployed, and I personally enjoy electricity and running water. What can I get you?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: We'll just... you know... have some pancakes?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY (nodding): Good choice.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Becky leaves.

SASHA: Okay, guys, seen any good movies lately?

BAYLEY: Blair Witch was cool I guess.

CHARLOTTE: Yeah, I kinda liked that too.

SASHA: Okay! We're getting somewhere!

CHARLOTTE: I liked the Magnificent Seven remake.

BAYLEY: Yeah, that was good.

SASHA: See! You guys can get along! Anything important coming up soon?

BAYLEY and CHARLOTTE (in unison): The election.

SASHA: ...and Halloween! What are you guys gonna be!?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: I'm going to be an adult and not dress up for Halloween.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BAYLEY: So who are you voting for, Sasha?

SASHA: Who cares! The World Series is coming up! It's looking like it's going to be Cleveland and Chicago, isn't that crazy!?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: I mean, I would hope she wouldn't vote for that pathetic excuse for a candidate.

BAYLEY: You're talking about Trump, right.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: Guys, can we please not start this?

CHARLOTTE: I'm talking about Killary.

BAYLEY: Killary?

CHARLOTTE: Yeah, when you're responsible for as many deaths as she is, you've earned the title.

BAYLEY: I don't care how many crazy conspiracy theories about the Clintons you believe, there's no way you think _Trump_ would be better.

CHARLOTTE: Sasha, who are you voting for?

SASHA: Guys, the NBA season's about to start! KD on the Warriors!? That's gonna be insane!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BAYLEY: Sasha, you have less than three weeks to get Charlotte to make the right decision. Good luck.

Before Charlotte can respond, Becky returns with 3 plates of pancakes.

SASHA: Thanks, Bex.

BECKY: No problem. I forgot to ask if you wanted any drinks.

CHARLOTTE and BAYLEY (in unison): I'll take a pineapple juice.

SASHA (jumping up and pointing at Bayley and Charlotte): AHA! YOU BOTH LIKE PINEAPPLE JUICE!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: Can you please not scream in here?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA (sitting back down, slightly embarrassed): I'm sorry... can I have some apple juice please?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Becky nodded, leaving again.

SASHA: Magnificent Seven, Blair Witch, Pineapple Juice, you guys are like clones of each other!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: Sasha, you can be honest with me, I won't get mad. Who are you voting for?

SASHA: Hilary.

CHARLOTTE (angrily): WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA (scared): YOU SAID YOU WOULDN'T GET MAD! YOU LIED!

CHARLOTTE: YOU SHOULD GET USED TO LIES IF YOUR VOTING FOR 4 YEARS OF CLINTON!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Becky returns with the drinks.

BECKY: Hey, you know when I asked Sasha not to scream in here, that applied to you too, right?

CHARLOTTE: Sorry, big government running my country into the ground bothers me, and after the disaster that's been the last 8 years, the last thing we need is another Clinton in charge.

BAYLEY (angry): DISASTER!? OBAMA'S BEEN-

BECKY: Bayley, inside voice, please.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Bayley took a deep breath.

BAYLEY: Obama's been spending the last 8 years undoing all the damage Bush did in office. As far as I see it, Hilary's term will be the first steps forward.

Becky leaves again, as Sasha sighs.

CHARLOTTE: Bush sucked, Obama sucked, the problem isn't democrats and republicans, the problem is the puppets that we call our "politicians" have failed us time and time again. And it's time for a change, someone who's not a politician, a brave, smart man, like Trump, to turn this country around.

BAYLEY: Why am I even debating this with you? There's no way enough people are stupid enough to vote for that idiot.

CHARLOTTE: Well I guess we'll find out, won't we?

SASHA (desperately): Captain America: Civil War was really good.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BAYLEY: Definitely.

CHARLOTTE: I'm not a big comic book movie fan, but I do think the concept of a group of renegade heroes, fighting for justice, without caring about what the crooked government told them to do is really powerful, especially with this upcoming election.

SASHA: Are you guys really about to debate about the politics in the movie?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BAYLEY: I mean, Team Cap's heads were in the right place, but Tony Stark was right, the Avengers were dangerous, I think signing the Sokovia Accords was a smart decision.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: Wow, you guys are really about to debate about the politics in the movie.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: You don't even trust Spider-Man and Iron Man to operate without being controlled by the government? What is with you liberals?

SASHA: Guys, your pancakes are getting cold.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BAYLEY: You're probably only Team Cap because you don't like Black Panther, you freakin' Nazi.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: Falcon is black, libtard.

BAYLEY (mockingly): "Oh, I can't be racist, Captain America has a black friend!"

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA (fed up): Okay! Fine! You two are never going to get along, I get it... can you just please stop being so mean to each other? For me? Please?

CHARLOTTE and BAYLEY (in unison): Fine.

SASHA: Thank you, I appreciate it.

Charlotte sticks her hand out for a handshake, with a big smile, Bayley smiles back and shakes her hand.

 _*AWW TRACK*_

SASHA: Aww!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Sasha smiles and looks down, at her plate, as Charlotte begins to glare at Bayley, and squeeze her hand as hard as possible.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Bayley's jaw drops, in pain, and she immediately pulls her hand back, as Sasha looks back up, completely oblivious.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

* * *

*graphic of the sun setting*

* * *

 **INT. - XAVIER'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

Xavier is sitting on the couch, as Becky, Mickie, and Alexa (still dressing and acting like Harley Quinn) enter.

MICKIE: So why did you invite us here?

BECKY: Because someone stole my conditioner from the shower today while I was at work, just like someone took my shampoo a few days ago and didn't return it, and my loofah the day before that, so I had Xavier install a camera in the shower so we could figure out who the thief was.

ALEXA (breaking character): YOU PUT A CAMERA IN OUR SHOWER!?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY (sitting on the couch): Xavier, hit play at around 6:30 AM please.

Xavier hits a few button on the remote. Alexa and Mickie sat down too, watching the empty shower on the television screen, as the sounds of clothes falling to the floor and Becky humming start playing through the television.

BECKY (looking confused at the television): Wait, I took my shower at 6:30, fast forward to like 6:50.

Xavier starts clicking buttons on the remote and nothing happens.

XAVIER: It's not working.

BECKY: What?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

The sound of the shower curtain opening and the water being turned on are heard through the television.

BECKY (grabbing the remote): GIVE ME THAT!

Becky starts frantically clicking buttons on the remote as Alexa and Mickie's eyes became huge, and Xavier raises his eyebrows.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: WHY WON'T IT WORK!?

XAVIER (still staring at the television): The batteries are probably dead.

BECKY: THEN CHANGE THEM! AND STOP LOOKING!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Xavier reaches in the bin next to the couch as Mickie and Alexa continue to stare.

MICKIE: The carpet doesn't match the curtains, I see.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

ALEXA: That's a LOT of carpet, Becky.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: My carpeting is none of your business!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Xavier begins to change the batteries, while taking peeks at the television.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

ALEXA: Have you ever considered switching to a marble floor?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Before Becky could respond, Xavier snapped the back of the remote back on.

XAVIER (fast forwarding): Done.

The girls and Xavier continued to watch.

BECKY (pointing): There! Hit play right there.

They all sat still, as the sounds of the shower water running were heard through the television. They sat silent for about 15 seconds.

MICKIE: ...why are we just watching me shower?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: Because you've been taking my stuff!

ALEXA: No she hasn't, I've been taking your stuff.

Becky's jaw dropped.

BECKY: WHY!?

ALEXA (in a terrible Brooklyn accent): I'm a bad guy! That's what we do!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Becky grabs the bat from Alexa.

BECKY (through gritted teeth): Here's what were gonna do. Xavier, you're going to take that camera out of my bathroom, and I'm going to smash it with this stupid bat. Mickie, you're going to find wherever Alexa hid my stuff, and put it back. And Alexa, if you can out run me, I won't bash your head in with this.

ALEXA: Can I have a headstart?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: 5... 4...

Alexa immediately gets up and runs out of the room.

BECKY (getting up and chasing her): 3... 2...

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

ALEXA (off-screen): THAT'S CHEATING, YOU'RE CHEATING!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Xavier and Mickie awkwardly look at each other.

MICKIE: Can you take my shower off of your television, please?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

* * *

*2 minute and 30 second trailer for the new series Fearless premiering immediately after this episode*

* * *

 **INT. - SASHA'S APARTMENT (BEDROOM)**

Sasha and Charlotte are laying in the bed, under the covers, presumably naked.

SASHA (out of breath): Charlotte?

CHARLOTTE (also out of breath): Yeah babe?

SASHA: I'll admit, you saying that word once or twice during sex turns me on, but did you have to say it 13 times?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: I guess I got a little carried away...

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Sasha simply nods.

CHARLOTTE (shrugging): Then again, you did have 5 orgasms.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Sasha chuckles a bit.

SASHA: I love you, baby.

CHARLOTTE (smiling): I love you too.

The girls kiss and begin to cuddle.

 _*APPLAUSE TRACK*_

 **[CLOSING CREDITS]**


	5. Ep 105: The Face That Runs The Place

**INT. - SASHA'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

A knock is heard at the door.

SASHA walks into the living room, in pajamas, and opens the door. CENA is standing in the doorway, holding a clipboard.

 _*APPLAUSE TRACK*_

SASHA: Hey.

CENA: So I hear you have a new tenant.

CHARLOTTE enters the living room, also in pajamas.

CHARLOTTE: Who's this?

SASHA: Cena.

CENA (shaking Charlotte's hand): John Cena, I'm the face that runs this place.

SASHA: He's our landlord.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CENA: Well, we have a problem with your new tenant, actually.

SASHA: When I signed the lease you told me that since I'm in here by myself I was allowed to add one tenant to the lease.

CENA: Yes, but I've received anonymous complaints that your tenant, Charlotte, right? Charlotte?

Sasha and Charlotte nervously nodded.

CENA: Apparently, Charlotte has been displaying behavior that violates the third part of your lease's Hustle, Loyalty, and Respect agreement.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: Hustle, Loyalty, and Respect agreement?

CENA: Yes, the third section, Respect, reads "All tenants must not make any inflammatory remarks, gestures, or behaviors towards other tenants based on appearance, age, gender, race, disability, sexual orientation, or any other characteristics deemed out of their control". Since Charlotte never officially signed the lease, I'm giving her a warning.

SASHA (with fake shock): I'm almost a hundred percent sure Charlotte would never make a racist or homophobic remark to anyone!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CENA (handing Charlotte the clipboard and a pen): Well, I'm going to need you to sign the lease first and foremost, and secondly, I have to inform you that you are currently on probation indefinitely.

CHARLOTTE and SASHA (in unison): Probation?

CENA: Simply meaning I will be closely monitoring your interactions with other tenants, and any further violations of the lease will lead to your immediate eviction.

 _*CORNY SITCOM "TROUBLE'S A BREWING" SOUND*_

CHARLOTTE: But-but I'm not racist or anything!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CENA (with a smile): Then you shouldn't have a problem with me monitoring you for a couple days.

SASHA (with a fake smile): There definitely won't be a problem, this was probably a huge misunderstanding.

CENA: See you around ladies, enjoy your day.

SASHA: You too!

Once Cena leaves, Sasha locks the door and immediately turns around to face Charlotte.

SASHA (angrily): WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO!?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: I didn't do anything! Bayley must be behind this, she's been out to get me since I moved here!

SASHA: BAYLEY DOESN'T LIVE IN THIS APARTMENT COMPLEX!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: ...OH MY GOD, WHAT THE HELL DID I DO!?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

* * *

 **[OPENING CREDITS SEQUENCE]**

 **CREATED BY: HAYLEN SAINT AND JESUS PIECE SHEAMUS  
WRITTEN BY: JESUS PIECE SHEAMUS**

* * *

 **INT. - SASHA'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

Sasha and Charlotte are still in the living room, freaking out.

SASHA: Who all have you even talked to that lives here?

CHARLOTTE: Becky, Alexa, Mickie, Xavier... the Mexican guys down the hall...

SASHA: Primo and Epico are Puerto Rican.

CHARLOTTE: Same difference.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: What did you say to them?

CHARLOTTE: ...I probably shouldn't repeat it.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA (sighing): Who else?

CHARLOTTE: Jinder.

SASHA: Oh god.

CHARLOTTE: Why do you assume I said something offensive to Jinder just because he's from Iraq?

SASHA: I don't know, maybe because he's from India and you just said he's from Iraq?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: Oh, me and the gay black guy were arguing about-

SASHA: Charlotte, things like referring to Darren as "the gay black guy" are why we're in this situation right now.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: I think it had to be him. We had a heated debate about the election, and I may have used some homophobic language.

SASHA: Why!? You're gay!

CHARLOTTE (angrily): You take that back right now, I NOT gay. I'm bisexual.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: I'm really disappointed in you, Charlotte.

CHARLOTTE: I wasn't done. The Chinese lady that lives upstairs got all pissy with me because-

SASHA (facepalming): Charlotte, nobody in this apartment complex is Chinese... PLEASE don't tell me you called Asuka Chinese...

CHARLOTTE: ...fine, I won't tell you.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: I'm gonna go apologize to everyone you offended, and try to find out who reported you.

CHARLOTTE: Thank you.

SASHA: Oh and can you do me a favor?

CHARLOTTE: Anything, baby.

SASHA: Can you not say anything stupid for once?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Charlotte gasps.

CHARLOTTE: My views aren't stupid. Just because you may disagree with some of the-

SASHA: I'm not calling your views stupid. If you want to think racist or homophobic things in your head, then fine, but saying your views out loud is stupid.

CHARLOTTE: Bayley says her views out loud all the time! Freedom of speech only applies when the people around you agree with you?

SASHA: There's a difference between freedom of speech and calling people names based on their race or sexual orientation, Charlotte.

CHARLOTTE: I didn't call people names, I called the gay bl-... Darren. I called Darren names.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: But he started it! He called me a Nazi!

SASHA: If you stop acting like one, people will stop calling you that!

CHARLOTTE: Who's side are you on here!?

SASHA: THEIRS!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Charlotte just rolls her eyes, crossing her arms.

SASHA: You're lucky I know there's a great person inside you under all this... this hate.

CHARLOTTE: I don't hate anyone, I just acknowledge that there's differences in genetic superiority in between groups of people.

SASHA: You're really not building a good "I'm not a Nazi" case here, babe.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Charlotte just sighs.

SASHA: I'll be back. Behave.

Charlotte nods, as Sasha walks out of the front door.

* * *

 **EXT. - FRONT DOOR OF DARREN'S APARTMENT**

Sasha knocks on Darren's door.

DARREN opens it and sighs.

DARREN: Hello, Sasha.

SASHA: Hey, I just wanted to apologize about what happened between you and my girlfriend.

DARREN: Why are you dating a Alt-Right white nationalist?

SASHA: Alt-Right white nationalist?

DARREN: Alt-Right, white nationalism, they're all fancy terms for racists.

SASHA: Alt-Right!? That's sounds WAY better than Neo-Nazi!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

DARREN: Is the sex really _that_ good?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: Charlotte is a really great person deep down inside, I learn different perspectives from her everyday, and I... she... yeah the sex is amazing.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Darren smirks and shakes his head.

SASHA: Look, I'll keep her quiet, just please don't report her to Cena again.

DARREN: I didn't report her to Cena.

SASHA: You didn't!?

DARREN: No, I just put those thumbtacks behind your tire.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: So if you didn't report Charlotte then, wait YOU PUT THE THUMBTACKS BEHIND MY TIRE!?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

DARREN: Damn right.

SASHA: I was an hour and a half late to work because of that!

DARREN (shrugging): That's what happens when you date a Klan member. Hope it's worth it.

SASHA (sighing): It is.

DARREN: Girl, nothing she does in bed can be THAT good.

Sasha whispers something in Darren's ear.

DARREN (raising his eyebrows): Whaaaaaat!?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA (smiling): Yeah.

DARREN: The whole thing!?

SASHA: The entire thing.

DARREN (laughing): Ya'll some freaks down there at 316.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

* * *

*30 second Activia commercial*

*15 second Cup Noodles commercial*

*15 second local law firm commercial*

*15 second commercial for Boo 2! A Madea Halloween*

*30 second Pepsi commercial*

*15 second commercial about the new episode of Fearless premiering immediately after this episode*

* * *

 **INT. THE APARTMENT'S LAUNDRY ROOM**

Charlotte is putting clothes into a washing machine, when JINDER walks in.

CHARLOTTE (with a nervous smile): Hey, buddy!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Jinder says nothing, putting his own clothes into a machine.

CHARLOTTE: We're... we're cool, right?

JINDER: Our first conversation ever, was in this room. I told you I was washing my clothes so I can pack my suitcase for a vacation, and you said that I wouldn't make it through the TSA.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: Looking back, I see how my innocent joke may have been offensive, and I apologize.

JINDER: Then you proceeded to question me about ISIS.

CHARLOTTE: I was just being a concerned citizen.

JINDER: I'M FROM INDIA!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: I'm sorry. What did Cena say when you told him?

JINDER: I didn't tell Cena.

CHARLOTTE: ...oh, well then I'm not sorry at all, stop being so sensitive.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Jinder rolls his eyes, as Cena walks into the laundry room.

CHARLOTTE (pushing Jinder out of the way): Hey, use our fabric softener instead, it's more effective on cottons!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Cena smiles a bit, proudly.

JINDER (confused): Thank you?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE (smiling): In fact, keep it... Oh hey, Mr. Cena, didn't see you there!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CENA: Just checking in on you. Really nice of you to share laundry products like that.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE (smiling harder): What can I say!? I'm a people person!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Jinder looks confused, before leaving the laundry room.

* * *

 **INT. - PRIMO AND EPICO'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

PRIMO, Sasha, and EPICO are sitting on the couch.

SASHA: So you guys didn't report Charlotte either!?

PRIMO: No, we should've though.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

EPICO: What do you even see in somebody like that?

SASHA: She's hot, the sex is fantastic, and I can make her not racist over time.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

PRIMO: It's not worth your pride and self-respect.

Sasha whispers something in Primo's ear.

PRIMO: ...ew.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

EPICO: What?

Sasha whispers something in Epico's ear.

EPICO (raising his eyebrows): Can I watch you guys next time?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: No, sorry.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

* * *

 **EXT. - THE SMALL PARK NEXT TO THE APARTMENT COMPLEX**

Charlotte is sitting next to ASUKA on a park bench.

CHARLOTTE: So now, I understand the different intricacies that make each Asian culture unique and individualistic, and I'm sorry for-

ASUKA: I didn't report you to Cena.

CHARLOTTE: THEN WHO DID!?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Asuka shrugs, getting up and leaving, as Cena sits down in her place.

CHARLOTTE (with a deep sigh): Hey, Cena.

CENA: Hey, just checking in on you again.

ALEXA and MICKIE walk by, holding hands.

Charlotte sighs again.

CHARLOTTE: Hey, guys. I just wanted to tell you that I admire your bravery in being in a proud openly homosexual relationship.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Alexa and Mickie awkwardly look at each other.

ALEXA: Thanks... random, but thanks.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Charlotte smiles and gives a thumbs up, as Alexa and Mickie walk away.

CENA: You're really friendly. This report isn't adding up.

CHARLOTTE (shrugging): I'm just as confused as you are.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Cena shrugs as well, gets up, and leaves.

* * *

*graphic of the sun setting*

* * *

 **INT. - SASHA'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

Sasha and Charlotte are sitting on the couch, confused.

SASHA: So, Primo and Epico didn't say anything, and neither did Darren.

CHARLOTTE: Or Jinder, or Asuka.

SASHA: So who else could've reported you?

* * *

 **INT. - XAVIER'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

BECKY and XAVIER are playing PS4 while Alexa is using a laptop.

ALEXA: Charlotte was acting weird at the park today.

BECKY: What do you mean?

ALEXA: Like super nice.

XAVIER: That's cause I reported her to Cena.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: For what?

XAVIER: Violating the third part of the lease's Hustle, Loyalty, and Respect policy.

Alexa looked confused.

ALEXA: Why?

XAVIER: So she'll get kicked out of the apartment complex.

BECKY: ...oh. Good idea.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

* * *

*30 second Tampax commercial*

*15 second PlayStation commercial*

*15 second local restaurant commercial*

*30 second commercial for Smackdown Live*

*15 second Tesla commercial*

*15 second commercial about the new episode of Fearless premiering immediately after this episode*

* * *

 **INT. - XAVIER'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

Xavier is sitting in the living room, and hears a knock on the door.

XAVIER: Come in!

Cena walks in, holding his clipboard.

XAVIER: Oh, Cena, what's up?

CENA: Well, as you already know, I've placed Charlotte on a brief probation period.

XAVIER: Uh-huh.

CENA: Well she seems to be an outstanding tenant, and I'm starting to think there was a misunderstanding in you guys' disagreement.

XAVIER (in shock): What?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CENA: Yeah, she doesn't seem to have any issues with any other tenants based on race, sexuality, or gender, and she seems pretty nice... she smiles a lot though and that's kinda weird.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

XAVIER: It's all an act, I swear, she's SUPER racist!

CENA: Well after tomorrow, if I don't find anything, she's officially off probation.

Xavier simply nods as Cena leaves.

XAVIER (waiting for Cena to close the door): DAMMIT!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Xavier locks the door and turns on the TV, hitting a few buttons on the remote.

SASHA (through the television, in a helpless): I-I'm so sorry officer please, there has to be something I can do to get out of this.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE (through the television): I'm gonna have to strip search you. Simply protocol.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

XAVIER (putting his feet on the table): COPS is my favorite show.

* * *

*Graphic of the sun rising*

* * *

 **EXT. SASHA AND XAVIER'S SHARED FRONT YARD**

BAYLEY and Charlotte are standing outside, each drinking pineapple juice, while Sasha is tending to the garden.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Becky comes running into the yard.

BECKY: Hey, Sasha, can I hide over here for a few hours?

SASHA: Hide from what?

BECKY: Well it's my day off, and Alexa and Mickie are fighting, and she's being SO annoying, and I really just-

ALEXA (off-screen): BECKY!? WHERE'D YOU GO!?

SASHA: Sure go ahead.

Becky runs into the house, closing the door.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Alexa walks into the yard.

ALEXA: Have you guys seen Becky anywhere?

Everyone shakes their head no, and Alexa keeps walking.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Cena walks into the yard.

CENA: You're friends with Bayley? That settles it, there's no way you could be a problematic tenant.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Sasha and Charlotte's faces light up with smiles.

BAYLEY (confused): We're not-

CHARLOTTE (covering Bayley's mouth): We're not sure what this whole report was about but we're glad this whole thing is over.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Xavier walks outside.

SASHA: Well... who reported Charlotte?

Cena instinctively looks at Xavier before looking away, as Xavier slowly begins backing into his house.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: XAVIER, DID YOU REPORT CHARLOTTE!?

XAVIER: Technically.

CENA: Welp, see you guys.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BAYLEY: I'm so confused.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Cena leaves, as Charlotte and Sasha glare at Xavier in anger and confusion.

XAVIER: It was a prank! Relax!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE (angry): THAT'S NOT FUNNY!

SASHA (chuckling): ...it was kinda funny.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BAYLEY: What's is going on right now!?

SASHA (starting to laugh): Xavier reported Charlotte for racism, so-so Cena put her on probation, and... oh my god, I can't breathe.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA (still laughing): So she's been going around, hanging out with Asuka and being nice to Jinder to make Cena think she isn't racist! Hahaha!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE (turning to face Sasha): HOW WAS THIS FUNNY!?

SASHA (putting her arm around Charlotte): It's just been kinda cute watching you go around being not racist and stuff.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BAYLEY: CUTE!?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE (still angry): I thought we were becoming friends, Xavier! I cut a watermelon for you this morning!

XAVIER: I don't like watermelon.

CHARLOTTE: WHAT!?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BAYLEY: Okay, I've been here for 5 minutes and that's already enough Charlotte for one day.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Charlotte sighs, rolling her eyes.

SASHA: That was a good one Xavier, you really got us.

XAVIER (with a fake laugh): What can I say? Gotcha!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Xavier walks back into his house, sighing.

SASHA: Okay, we definitely have to prank him back.

CHARLOTTE (excitedly): Let's take him swimming!

Bayley and Sasha looked confused.

CHARLOTTE: ...guys, he's black.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BAYLEY (leaving): Sasha, we'll hang out sometime when Ann Coulter isn't here.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: Ann Coulter isn't racist! She dates a black person!

BAYLEY (off-screen): So do you!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Sasha just looks at Charlotte and sighs, chuckling and putting her arm around her, while Charlotte stands with her arms crossed.

SASHA: I know what'll cheer you up.

CHARLOTTE: What?

SASHA: _I'll_ do that thing to _you_ this time.

CHARLOTTE: What thing?

SASHA (winking): The thing you do.

CHARLOTTE: I'm not sure what you're talking about.

Sasha whispers something in Charlotte's ear, and her eyes get huge.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE (grabbing Sasha's wrist and dragging her into the house): LET'S GO!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

* * *

*2 minute and 30 second trailer for the new series Fearless premiering immediately after this episode*

* * *

 **INT. - BECKY'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

Alexa is sitting on the couch crying, when Becky walks in.

BECKY: What's wrong?

Alexa simply lets out a high pitched squeal.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Becky sighs.

ALEXA (shakily): M-M-M-Mickie broke up with me.

 _*SAD AWW TRACK*_

BECKY (under her breath): Good for her.

ALEXA: Huh?

BECKY: I said what the hell is wrong with her!?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

ALEXA (shakily): Becky, can you do me a favor?

BECKY: Sure.

ALEXA (shakily): C-c-can you hug me please?

 _*SAD AWW TRACK*_

Becky sits down next to Alexa, who immediately throws her face onto Becky's shirt and starts loudly sobbing.

 _*LAUGH TRACK and SAD AWW TRACK SIMULTANEOUSLY*_


	6. Ep 106: The Break Up

**INT. - SASHA'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

SASHA and CHARLOTTE are sitting on the couch, eating chips, and watching television.

CHARLOTTE: You know, I've been here for two weeks, and I think this is the first nice peaceful day we've had.

Before Sasha can respond, they hear a knock at the door.

Sasha nervously looks at Charlotte.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: I'm sure everything is fine.

Sasha sighs and opens the door, to see BECKY standing there, with a huge wet spot on the chest part of her shirt.

SASHA: What happened to your shirt?

BECKY (walking into the house): Alexa's been crying on it.

Sasha closes the door.

SASHA: I... I think we heard her.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: Mickie broke up with her.

SASHA (shrugging): They were kinda annoying together.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: Kinda!?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: She's even more annoying when she's heartbroken, apparently. I kinda need you guys to help me get them back together.

SASHA: I mean, if they broke up, they broke up for a reason. Just give her some time, I'm sure she'll get over it eventually. Where is she?

BECKY: She's asleep.

ALEXA (off-camera, far away, crying): BECKY!?... OH NO! YOU LEFT ME TOOOOOO!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY (leaving): And she just woke up.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

 **[OPENING CREDITS SEQUENCE]**

 **CREATED BY: HAYLEN SAINT AND JESUS PIECE SHEAMUS  
WRITTEN BY: JESUS PIECE SHEAMUS**

* * *

 **INT. - BECKY'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

Becky is sitting on the couch, hugging ALEXA, who is violently sobbing on her chest.

 _*SAD AWW TRACK*_

Alexa loudly blows her nose on Becky's shirt, as Becky's eyes get huge.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

ALEXA (sobbing): I-I-I m-m-m-m-m-miss her so much!

BECKY (still in shock): ...I'm not a tissue!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Alexa blows her nose on Becky's shirt again, and Becky shoves her away.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: You can't just mope around! Go outside! Get some fresh air! Get a new girlfriend! Get away from me! Something!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

ALEXA (still sniffling): You know Becky... you're right... I think I'm gonna go for a walk now... sorry about your shirt.

BECKY (rolling her eyes): It's fine.

ALEXA: ...hey, Becky...

BECKY: What?

ALEXA: Since you'll already have to wash it anyway...

Becky sighs and leans over to Alexa, who blows her nose on Becky's shirt once again.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

* * *

 **EXT. -** **THE SMALL PARK NEXT TO THE APARTMENT COMPLEX**

Charlotte and Sasha are sitting on the park bench.

SASHA: This is cute, we're like an old couple.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: Don't call me old, I'm 29.

SASHA: I wasn't calling you old.

CHARLOTTE: Why do you keep acting like our age difference is weird?

SASHA (chuckling): ...Charlotte, it was a joke, we're sitting on the bench the park like we're feeding birds or something.

CHARLOTTE (getting upset): Oh, I'm sorry! Let's do something fun and crazy! What do 23-year-olds do for fun?!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: Why are you acting weird? Are you insecure because I'm younger?

CHARLOTTE: YOUR AGE DOESN'T MATTER TO ME!

SASHA: OKAY! YOU BROUGHT IT UP!

CHARLOTTE: BECAUSE YOU SAID I WAS OLD!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: I DIDN'T SAY-

ALEXA (sitting between them, holding back tears): How do you do it?

Charlotte and Sasha awkwardly look at each other in confusion, before turning to Alexa.

SASHA: How do we do what?

ALEXA: Continue to enjoy your so-called "happy relationship" knowing that one day, one of you will just wake up and decide that you no longer love the other one, and just like that, everything that you thought was your future becomes distant memories from the past, and you'll be left wondering what went wrong and how you could've prevented it for the rest of your life.

 _*SAD AWW TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE and SASHA (in unison, shrugging): I don't know.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

ALEXA: I remember when I believed in love...

SASHA: Hey, you should leave us alone now.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

ALEXA (beginning to cry): I just wanted to let you guys know... it doesn't last forever... enjoy it while you can... you two have a lovely afternoon.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Alexa walks away.

CHARLOTTE: Wow, what a buzzkill.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: I feel kinda bad for her.

CHARLOTTE: Bad enough to help Becky get them back together?

SASHA: ...no.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

* * *

*30 second Activia commercial*

*15 second Cup Noodles commercial*

*15 second local law firm commercial*

*15 second commercial for Marvel's Black Panther*

*30 second Pepsi commercial*

*15 second commercial about the new episode of Fearless premiering immediately after this episode*

* * *

 **INT. - XAVIER'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

XAVIER is playing a video game, and wearing headphones that are plugged into a laptop. He's sitting in front of a microphone that is also plugged into the laptop.

XAVIER: 3... 2... 1... (presses button on laptop) Hello guys, welcome back to UpUpDownDown, as we continue on the road to 1 million subscribers! We're only 994,734 subscribers away!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

XAVIER: As you can see this week, we are playi-

Xavier is interrupted by the loud sounds of Alexa crying.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

XAVIER: Um... uh, as you can see-

Again, Xavier is interrupted by Alexa's crying.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Xavier takes off the headphones, and walks out of the front door.

* * *

 **INT. - BECKY'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

Alexa is on the couch crying into a pillow, as knocking on the door is heard.

ALEXA (still crying): WHO IS IT!?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

XAVIER (outside): Xavier! Can you please keep it down over there!?

ALEXA (still crying): NO!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Xavier opens the door.

XAVIER: What's wrong?

Alexa starts crying even louder, and puts her face back into the pillow.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

XAVIER: Where's Becky?

ALEXA (still crying): IN HER ROOM WITH HER SOUNDPROOF HEADPHONES ON!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Sasha and Charlotte walk in through the front door.

SASHA: Okay, enough of this! What happened between you and Mickie!?

Alexa hesitates a bit, before bursting into a screaming cry.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Becky walks obliviously into the living room, wearing her headphones.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Becky takes her headphones off, hears Alexa, and puts them back on.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Sasha grabs Becky's wrist, and leads her outside. Charlotte and Xavier follow as Alexa continues to cry hysterically.

* * *

 **ENT. - FRONT DOOR OF BECKY'S APARTMENT**

Sasha closes the door and Alexa's crying is still audible.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Becky takes off her headphones and puts them around her neck.

SASHA (angrily): Where is Mickie!?

BECKY: I don't know.

SASHA (angrily): Find out! We're going to her house first thing tomorrow and we're not leaving until they're back together!

Charlotte walks over to the front door and opens it.

CHARLOTTE: Hey Alexa!

Alexa stops crying.

CHARLOTTE: What's Mickie's address?

Alexa starts crying again.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Sasha snatches Charlotte's wrist and leaves as Xavier sighs, and Becky puts her headphones back on, and heads back inside.

* * *

*Graphic of the sun setting*

* * *

 **INT. - SASHA'S APARTMENT (BEDROOM)**

Sasha and Charlotte are laying in bed, while the sounds of Alexa crying can be heard in the distance.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: Charlotte... I love you and all... but I'm not gonna be _that_ sad if we break up.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE (chuckling a bit): Same here.

Alexa's cries continue to ring throughout the apartment complex.

CHARLOTTE: So how are we getting them back together?

SASHA: I have no idea, but we're not leaving until we do it... WAIT!

CHARLOTTE: I'm waiting.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: We'll find out whatever Alexa did to make Mickie break up with her, and we'll lie and say Alexa apologized!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE (smiling): You're so smart, babe.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

* * *

*graphic of the sun setting and rising*

* * *

 **INT. MICKIE'S MOTHER'S HOUSE (LIVING ROOM)**

MICKIE is sitting on the couch, sad, eating a pint of strawberry ice cream.

 _*SAD AWW TRACK*_

The doorbell rings.

MICKIE: Mom! Someone's at the door!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

The doorbell rings again, and a knock is heard.

MICKIE: MOM!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Mickie sighs, stands up, and opens the door.

MICKIE: Uh... hey guys.

Becky, Charlotte, Sasha, and Xavier enter, as Mickie sits back down on the couch.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: Hey Mickie! Long time no see...

MICKIE: Yeah.

SASHA: ...Alexa's really sorry!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

MICKIE: Too bad.

XAVIER: Whatever she did couldn't have been that bad.

MICKIE: She got caught on TMZ having sex with a famous rapper.

XAVIER: Well that's not that b-wait-WHAT!?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: She cheated on you with a rapper!?

XAVIER: Which rapper!?

SASHA and CHARLOTTE (in unison): ALEXA'S ON TMZ!?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Mickie sighs, and tearing up, typing a few buttons on her phone, and handing it to them.

REPORTER (through the phone): In recent celebrity news, MARRIED rapper Enzo Amore was caught in an Illinois hotel room, "badaboom-ing" an unnamed young blonde lady.

 _*CORNY SITCOM "TROUBLE'S A BREWING" SOUND*_

Xavier, Becky, Sasha, and Charlotte all stare at each other, before looking back at the phone.

REPORTER (through the phone): Looks like the Certified G, will be sleeping on the Certified Couch for a little while.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

* * *

*30 second Tampax commercial*

*15 second PlayStation commercial*

*15 second local restaurant commercial*

*30 second commercial for Elimination Chamber*

*15 second Tesla commercial*

*15 second commercial about the new episode of Fearless premiering immediately after this episode*

* * *

 **INT. MICKIE'S MOTHER'S HOUSE (LIVING ROOM)**

BECKY: Okay, let's calm down here. It _kinda_ looks like Alexa.

MICKIE, SASHA and XAVIER (in unison): Because it _is_ Alexa.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: Xavier, Sasha, you guys are black, who is Enzo Amore?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: You hadn't said anything racist in like 2 days, I was proud of you.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: Yeah, yeah, whatever, who is he?

MICKIE: A homewrecker!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

XAVIER: Uh, he's a rapper that made the XXL Freshman List in 2015... he had that one song like 3 years ago.

SASHA: "How You Doin'?"

XAVIER: I'm fine.

SASHA: No, that's the name of the song.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

XAVIER: Oh.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: I kinda used to be a fan. Bayley and I got into a show for free once because she's friends his bodyguard's girlfriend. We're sorry Mickie. We didn't realize she cheated. If you can ever find it in your heart to give her another chance, please let us know immediately.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Mickie doesn't say anything, and crosses her arms, as everyone else leaves.

* * *

 **INT. - BECKY'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

Alexa is sitting on the couch, sad, eating a pint of strawberry ice cream.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Becky walks in.

ALEXA (sadly): Hey.

BECKY: Hey, why didn't you tell me you cheated on Mickie!?

ALEXA (suddenly angry): I DIDN'T! I KEEP TELLING HER THAT'S NOT ME IN THE VIDEO AND SHE WON'T BELIEVE ME!

Becky looks a bit confused. She pulls out her phone and pushes a few buttons.

REPORTER (through the phone): In recent celebrity news, MARRIED rapper Enzo Amore was caught in an Illinois hotel room, "badaboom-ing" an unnamed young blonde lady.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Becky pauses the video, and looks back and forth between the phone and Alexa.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Becky: Alexa, are you sure this isn't you?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

ALEXA: YES!

Becky hit play.

REPORTER (through the phone): Looks like the Certified G, will be sleeping on the Certified Couch for a little while.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: If you're being 100% honest, and this isn't you... then... I think I know a way we can figure out who this is.

ALEXA: How?

BECKY: Enzo was just here on tour a few days ago when this happened, so he can't be that far. I'll get Sasha to call Bayley so she can call her friend so her friend can call her boyfriend and figure out where he is now, and we'll prove to Mickie that it wasn't you.

ALEXA: Really!?

BECKY (sighing): Yeah.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Alexa jumps up and hugs her.

* * *

 **INT. SASHA'S CAR**

Sasha and Charlotte sit in the front seat, while Bayley, Xavier and Alexa sit in the back. Sasha is on the phone.

SASHA: Have you picked up Mickie?

BECKY (through the phone): I'm outside of her house right now. I told her we're going shopping. Can we hurry this up? I work tonight.

SASHA: Yeah, Bayley, what did Carmella say?

BAYLEY: He's at a hotel in Green Bay.

SASHA: They're in Green Bay, we're on our way there now... alright... alright, bye. (hangs up) Okay, so we're gonna go in, with Mickie, ask Enzo who the girl he got caught with was, then badaboom, problem solved.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

XAVIER: Why am I here?

SASHA: My job is to get Alexa there, Becky's job is to get Mickie there, Bayley's job is to get us in, you and Charlotte are here to make sure Mickie doesn't kill Alexa and Enzo.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Xavier nodded.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

* * *

*graphic of cars driving down the highway*

* * *

 **INT. 5 STAR HOTEL SUITE**

ENZO is laying in bed, playing a video game. He's on the phone, wearing nothing but Nautica swim trunks, a white Versace robe, and several chains. CASS is sitting on a near-by couch.

ENZO (on the phone): Oh. Alright cool, call me back Drake, tell Lil Wayne I asked for him.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

ENZO (on the phone): Peace. (hangs up)

CASS: My girlfriend said she'll be here in a fe-

A knock on the door is heard.

CASS: There she is.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Cass opens the door, and CARMELLA walks in, followed by Bayley, Sasha, Xavier, Alexa and Charlotte.

CASS: Woah! Woah!

CARMELLA: Hey, babe!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

ENZO: What's this a parade or somethin'?... My wife is on her way, you gotta get all these girls outta here, I-... LIV!? YOU DEFINITELY GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!

Bayley, Sasha, Xavier, Alexa and Charlotte looked around confused.

ALEXA: Who is Liv?

Enzo rubbed his eyes and took a second look at Alexa.

ENZO: Oh... you ain't... I thought... nevermind. Look, Carmella, you can't just be bringing all your friends in here for autographs, I'm a bus-

ALEXA: I need you to tell my girlfriend that I've never met you before, and that that's not me in that TMZ video.

MICKIE (walking in with Becky): Why are we going to a hotel sui... YOU!

Mickie runs and lunges at Enzo, as Cass, Xavier and Charlotte hold her back.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Enzo jumps off of the bed, as Sasha, Carmella and Becky stare, unsure what to do or say.

ENZO: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!?

MICKIE (still trying to attack him): YOU WANNA BADABOOM MY GIRLFRIEND, HUH!?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

ENZO: LOOK! THIS IS ALL A MISUNDERSTANDING! I DIDN'T-

Just then, Enzo's wife TAMINA walks in.

TAMINA: Enzo, I called you 5 times, what are- (turns to Alexa) WHAT IS SHE DOING HERE!?

Alexa looks confused.

ENZO: Babe! It's not what you think!

ALEXA: Do I know you?

TAMINA (prepared to fight): I'm Enzo's wife!

 _*CORNY SITCOM "TROUBLE'S A BREWING" SOUND*_

ALEXA: ...okay?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Tamina lunges at Alexa, who immediately screams. Sasha and Becky grab her arms before she can throw a punch.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

TAMINA: LET ME GO!

ENZO: THAT'S NOT HER! BABY, THAT'S NOT HER!

TAMINA (breaking free from their grasp and pulling her phone out): THIS ISN'T HER!? (pushes a button and holds the phone up to Enzo's face)

REPORTER (through the phone): In recent celebrity news, MARRIED rapper Enzo Amore was caught in an Illinois hotel room, "badaboom-ing" an unnamed young blonde lady.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Enzo looks back and forth between the video and Alexa, confused.

REPORTER (through the phone): Looks like the Certified G, will be sleeping on the Certified Couch for a little while.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Just then, LIV enters.

 _*CORNY SITCOM "TROUBLE'S A BREWING" SOUND*_

LIV (looking down at her phone): Enzo, do you check your phone at all? I texted you like- (looks up) who are these people?

Everyone looks shocked, at how much Alexa and Liv look alike.

BAYLEY: Um, well. This is Cass. He's Enzo's bodyguard.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BAYLEY: This is Cass' girlfriend, Carmella. I'm Carmella's friend Bayley. This is my friend Sasha, this is Sasha's friend Becky.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BAYLEY: This is Becky's roommate Alexa, this is Alexa's girlfriend Mickie, that's Sasha's girlfriend Charlotte, and Sasha's neighbor Xavier... Oh. And this is Enzo's wife.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Liv's eyes get huge, and she runs out of the hotel room, as Tamina chases her.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

MICKIE: So it... it really wasn't you...

ALEXA: Baby, I told you, I would never cheat on you with a guy shorter than 5'11!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

MICKIE (running over and hugging her): Aww!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: Um... so yeah, we're gonna go now. Uh... yeah.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Enzo, Cass, and Carmella stand confused, as Bayley, Charlotte, Xavier, Sasha, and Becky leave. Alexa and Mickie follow them, holding hands.

 _*LAUGH TRACK AND APPLAUSE TRACK SIMULTANEOUSLY*_

* * *

*2 minute and 30 second trailer for the new series Fearless premiering immediately after this episode*

* * *

 **INT. - SASHA'S CAR**

Sasha and Charlotte are in the front seat, with Alexa, Mickie, Bayley, and Xavier squeezed in the back. A rap beat starts playing on the radio, and Sasha turns it up.

SASHA: This is my song!

BAYLEY: Ayeeee!

ENZO (through the radio): It's the realest guy in the room, bada bing bada boom. And I'mma dedicate this one to my certified Gs out there!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: Hey, I know this song!

SASHA and BAYLEY (rapping along with the song): It's Smacktalker Skywalker, got a microphone lightsaber for a hater, if ya hate I won't debate ya see ya later. I'm getting paper, that's all day. Coming at me? You better think twice. That'd be two more thoughts than you had all day. I'm a stud, yeah that's bonafide, and ya girl'll holla for a dolla, Arizona style, Muscles Marinara, Giannis Antentokoumpo how I'm getting bucks, I don't give a (pause), paparazzi can't get enough.

EVERYONE IN THE CAR: (rapping along with the song): Everybody worried bout my money, boy it's fluent. Worried bout my cars, worry bout the car that you in. Worried bout my broads, don't worry bout who I'm screwing, just worry about yourself, don't worry bout how I'm doing. How you doin? How you doin? How you doin? How you doin? I been balling in New York I'm Patrick Ewing. I'm doing good. How you doin? How you doin? How you doin? How you doin? How you doin?

 _*LAUGH TRACK AND APPLAUSE TRACK SIMULTANEOUSLY*_

 **[CLOSING CREDITS]**


	7. Ep 107: Infinite Wisdom

**INT. SASHA'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

The room is empty, as a knock on the door is heard.

SASHA walks groggily to the door, in her pajamas, and opens it, to see BECKY, smiling in the doorway.

BECKY: Good morning!

Sasha says nothing, and stumbles to the couch, before plopping down on it.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY (walking in, closing the door behind her): How are you?

SASHA: Tired.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: I suppose it's a little early.

SASHA: It's 7:01 AM, what do you want?

BECKY: Well, Alexa is at her dentist appointment, she's getting all 4 of her wisdom teeth removed, and I told her I'd pick her up from the dentist, but I just remembered, my uh... my friend Paige has two tickets to... the Indiana Pacers game, so I'll be gone all day.

SASHA: Since when do you like basketball?

BECKY: Okay, so I need you guys to pick her up and let her hang out here. Keep an eye on her too, thanks.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Sasha's eyes get huge, as Becky leaves.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA (alone in the room): ...sure, no problem, Becky.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

* * *

 **[OPENING CREDITS SEQUENCE]**

 **CREATED BY: HAYLEN SAINT AND JESUS PIECE SHEAMUS  
WRITTEN BY: JESUS PIECE SHEAMUS**

* * *

 **INT. - XAVIER'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

XAVIER is sitting on the couch, with a video game controller in his hands, and a headset on his head.

XAVIER: Kofi. You most definitely do NOT want a rematch... alright fine, it's my day off, you can lose again, that's cool with me... hello?... Kofi?... (reading) Online Features for this title are currently unavailable at this time, please try again later? That's weird...

Xavier gets up, ejects the disc, and puts it back in. He sits back down and waits for the game to load again, before pushing a few buttons.

XAVIER (reading): Online features for this title are currently, god damn it!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

XAVIER (out loud to himself): Bruh, is my router on?

Xavier opens his laptop and presses a few buttons. He waits for a little while.

XAVIER (reading): Connection, secured. Connection strength, excellent. Hmm... The SmallLargeWorld servers do act erratically from time to time... yeah SLW trippin' again.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Xavier takes the SmallLargeWorld disc out of the system.

XAVIER (switching the discs): Goodbye, SmallLargeWorld, Hello, Vehicular Theft 5!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Xavier sits back on the couch, twiddling his thumbs.

XAVIER (pushing buttons): Okay, online multiplayer... Online multiplayer is currently unavailiable, Error: 220378158291930402354316743323544332353!?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

* * *

 **INT. SASHA'S CAR**

CHARLOTTE is sitting in the passenger seat, waiting, when suddenly, the back door opens.

SASHA: Okay, Alexa, slow. Slow.

ALEXA slowly eases into the back seat. Her mouth is stuffed with gauze.

ALEXA (hard to understand): Ah wah gah tahtah pah kah fah tahry

CHARLOTTE: ...what?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Alexa pulls the bloody gauze out of her mouth.

ALEXA: I wanna go to Pancake Factory.

SASHA: You can't chew anything right now.

ALEXA: Is your stepdad richer than your real dad? My stepdad's richer than my real dad.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: I don't have a stepdad. Buckle your seatbelt.

ALEXA (buckling her seatbelt): My stepdad has a boat, and... we ate pancakes.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Sasha closes her back door and opens the driver's door. She sits down, closes it, and starts the car.

ALEXA: Charlotte?

CHARLOTTE: Yes?

ALEXA: Can I have a pancake?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: Sorry, no.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Sasha begins driving.

ALEXA: I wanna kiss Xavier.

 _*CORNY SITCOM "TROUBLE'S A BREWING" SOUND*_

Sasha slams her foot on the break pedal.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Charlotte and Sasha look at each other briefly.

SASHA: Why?

ALEXA: Cause then he'll make me pancakes.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Charlotte and Sasha roll their eyes.

ALEXA: I can't feel my face.

SASHA: That's good, that means the pain gas hasn't worn off yet. (reaching in a white bag) Your doctor prescribed you these, it's called a-

ALEXA: When can I eat?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: Um... I don't know, Charlotte, google.

Charlotte pulls out her phone while Sasha starts driving again and Alexa starts rubbing her own face and chuckling.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE (reading): You should not consume solid foods, alcohol, coffee, soda or hot beverages in the first few days following your procedure. You shouldn't even brush your teeth for the first day of recove-

ALEXA: Hey, remember that movie with um... the... wow my tongue is so heavy.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE (becoming annoyed): When is Becky coming back exactly?

SASHA: I don't know, tonight hopefully?

ALEXA: Sasha? Charlotte?

SASHA and CHARLOTTE (in unison): Yeah?

Alexa sat in silence, holding her tongue with her thumb and index finger.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: Alexa?

ALEXA (snapping out of her daze): Huh?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: What were you about to tell us?

Alexa shrugged and looked out of the window, putting the gauze back in her mouth, as Sasha and Charlotte sighed.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

* * *

*30 second Activia commercial*

*15 second Cup Noodles commercial*

*15 second local law firm commercial*

*15 second commercial for It*

*30 second Pepsi commercial*

*15 second commercial about the new episode of Fearless premiering immediately after this episode*

* * *

 **INT. - XAVIER'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

Xavier is on the phone, while unplugging one gaming console and plugging in another one.

XAVIER: Yeah, GameStation Network is down for maintenance.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

E (through the phone): They're so high maintenance.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

XAVIER: FlexBox Live should be up.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

E (through the phone): I don't have Love & War on FlexBox.

XAVIER: What!? Why!?

E (through the phone): Bruh, these games are like $60, I don't even know how you can afford to buy them all on both consoles.

XAVIER: YouTube monetization.

E (through the phone): You got 6,000 subscribers.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

XAVIER: FLEXBOX LIVE IS DOWN FOR MAINTENANCE!? WHY WOULD THEY BOTH DO MAINTENANCE ON THEIR ONLINE SERVICES AT THE SAME TIME!?

E (through the phone): You know you can play without being online, right?

XAVIER (sighing): I guess that's true, I just wanted to play WITH somebody, I can pretty much outsmart any CPU on any game at it's highest level, so it's kinda-

All the lights in Xavier's apartment turn off.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

E (through the phone): Hello?

XAVIER: I'll call you back.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

* * *

 **INT. SASHA'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

Charlotte is on the couch, sitting next to Alexa. Alexa is twirling Charlotte's hair and giggling.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Alexa pulls the bloody gauze out of her mouth.

ALEXA (fully laughing now, wrapping Charlotte hair around her fingers): It's like spaghetti!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA (returning to the living room): Has the laughing gas worn off yet?

CHARLOTTE and ALEXA (in unison): No.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: Alright, well let's hurry up and rinse her gums now.

ALEXA: Wait, what?

SASHA: We have to rinse your gums and change your gauze.

ALEXA: I'm an adult, Sasha, I can do it myself.

SASHA (shrugging): Alright, here you go.

Sasha reaches into Alexa's white paper bag and hands her a syringe, with a clear fluid in it. Alexa takes it and walks to the bathroom.

CHARLOTTE: Babe, the second presidential debate is tonight, do you think Becky will be back by then?

SASHA: I hope so. I don't want Alexa talking through it.

CHARLOTTE: Wait... you actually want to watch the debate?

SASHA: Of course! That first one was better than reality TV!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: And I definitely wanna see how Trump's gonna defend the whole "grab them by the p-"

Sasha and Charlotte immediately take off running as they hear the sound of Alexa loudly choking and gargling.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

The doorbell rings.

SASHA (off-camera): What happened!?

ALEXA (off-camera): I... I don't know! I almost drowned!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

The doorbell rings again.

Charlotte walks back into the living room, and opens the door to see BAYLEY standing in the doorway.

BAYLEY: Hey Cha-

Charlotte immediately closes the door in her face and locks it.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA (off-camera): Open your mouth.

ALEXA (off-camera): Aaaaahhh.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Bayley begins to knock on the door as Charlotte sits down on the couch.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA (off-camera): Now swish it around.

ALEXA (off-camera, swishing): Mmmmmmm.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BAYLEY (off-camera): OPEN THE DOOR, CHARLOTTE!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA (off-camera): Now spit it out.

Alexa spitting is heard.

SASHA (off-camera): NOT ON ME!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

ALEXA (off-camera): Sorry.

Bayley knocks on the door more.

ALEXA (off-camera): I have that same bra!

Sasha (shirtless) and Alexa return to the living room.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: Who was at the door?

CHARLOTTE: Jehovah's Witnesses.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Bayley knocks on the door louder, and Sasha opens it.

BAYLEY: Tell your girlfri-... did I interrupt something?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Sasha sighs, letting Bayley in.

SASHA: No, we're just babysitting Alexa, and my shirt got wet.

ALEXA: I'm not a child.

SASHA: You spit your saline solution on me!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

ALEXA (shrugging): You told me to.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BAYLEY: Why didn't you let me in?

CHARLOTTE: I'm not in the mood to deal with TWO children today.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Bayley rolls her eyes and sits down on the couch between Alexa and Charlotte, while Sasha reaches into the white paper bag and pulls out another gauze.

SASHA (handing Alexa the gauze): Tell me when it starts to hurt.

Alexa nods, putting the gauze in her mouth.

BAYLEY: Wisdom teeth?

CHARLOTTE, SASHA, and ALEXA (in unison): Mmhmm.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Alexa takes the gauze out of her mouth.

ALEXA: It's starting to hurt.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Sasha sighs, and grabs a pill bottle put of the white bag.

SASHA: Okay, these are-

ALEXA: Can you come here, Sasha?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Sasha skeptically walks over to the couch.

ALEXA: Sit down.

Sasha sits on the end of the couch next to Alexa.

ALEXA: Usually, Mickie would cuddle me. Can you cuddle me?

 _*AWW TRACK*_

SASHA: Wait, where's Mickie!? Why can't she take care of you!?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

ALEXA: She told me to stay away from her because I would be annoying.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Sasha sighs, before putting her arm around Alexa, who immediately jumps into Sasha's lap and cuddles up to her.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

* * *

*30 second Tampax commercial*

*15 second PlayStation commercial*

*15 second local restaurant commercial*

*30 second commercial for Summerslam*

*15 second Tesla commercial*

*15 second commercial about the new episode of Fearless premiering immediately after this episode*

* * *

 **INT. - XAVIER'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

XAVIER (on phone): Hi, I'm calling about an apparent power outage?

WOMAN (on the phone): Yeah, certain residences in the area have randomly been losing power today, we're not exactly sure what's happening.

XAVIER: Can you unplug my house and plug it back in or something?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

WOMAN (on the phone): We already tried that.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

XAVIER: Is there anything I can do from here?

WOMAN (on the phone): You can be patient.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

XAVIER: This is kinda an emergency, ma'am.

WOMAN (on the phone): Why?

XAVIER: I haven't played video games all week!... Hello?... Hello?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Xavier sighs, hanging up.

* * *

 **INT. SASHA'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

Alexa is moaning in pain, as Sasha cuddles her, holding a small frozen pizza up to one side of Alexa's face, while Charlotte is holding an ice pack up to the other.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BAYLEY (standing up): You know, I'll just chill in your bedroom until the debate starts.

SASHA & CHARLOTTE (unison): You can't.

BAYLEY: Why?

SASHA: Our bedroom is kinda set up for later tonight...

BAYLEY (walking out of the living room): Oh, I won't touch anything.

SASHA: No, that's not the point! I don't want you seeing-

BAYLEY (off-camera): WHAT THE HELL!?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Sasha sighs, as Alexa continues moaning in pain.

CHARLOTTE: That wouldn't have happened if I never let her in, just saying.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BAYLEY (returning to the living room): Okay, so there's a lot of weird things in that room I'm not gonna ask about, but was that a taser on your pillow!?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: Maybe...

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: Sasha likes it when I-

BAYLEY (sitting on the couch): I don't even wanna know.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

ALEXA (with gauze in her mouth): AH HAH GAH!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Sasha sighs, taking the gauze out of Alexa's mouth.

SASHA: What'd you s-

ALEXA (at the top of her lungs, in Sasha's ear): I'M HUNGRY!

Sasha jumps, grabbing her ear.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: Well you can't eat anyth-

ALEXA: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: Will you stop acting like a pre-schooler!?

ALEXA: NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE (while Alexa continues screaming): Sasha, text Becky and find out when she gets back cause I can't take this anymore!

* * *

 **INT. - BECKY'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

Becky is sitting in her living room, watching the television of a very low volume.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

A knock on the door is heard.

Becky slowly creeps towards the door, and looks out of the peephole.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

She opens it.

BECKY: Hurry up, get in here.

Xavier runs in, with his GameStation 4, with several wires hanging from it.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Becky closes the door.

BECKY: What do you want?

XAVIER: My power's out, can I play SmallLargeWorld here?

BECKY: ...sure, go into my bedroom.

XAVIER runs past her.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Becky sits down on the couch for about 20 seconds, before the television goes blank and all of the lights in Becky's apartment go out.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

XAVIER (off-camera): AW, COME ON!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

* * *

 **INT. SASHA'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

Bayley, Sasha, Alexa, and Charlotte are sitting on the couch, watching the television.

MODERATOR (on the television): Welcome to the second 2016 United States Presidential Debate.

The doorbell loudly rings 4 times in succession, as Bayley, Sasha, and Charlotte suck their teeth, in unison.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Sasha sighs, and walks to the door. As soon as she opens it, Xavier runs in with his gaming console.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: What are you doing!?

XAVIER (walking past her): Using the TV in your bedroom.

SASHA, CHARLOTTE, and BAYLEY (in unison): DON'T!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

XAVIER (stopping, and turning around): Then lemme use this one.

SASHA: Why?

XAVIER: My power's out, and I'm having gaming withdraws!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

XAVIER: Then I went to over to Becky's, and she said she'd let me play there, but before I could even play, the power went out!

SASHA: We're trying to watch the deba-, wait a minute!

Sasha turned to the couch.

SASHA: Babe...

CHARLOTTE: What?

SASHA: Xavier's power went out. So he went to Becky's house. And she let him in.

CHARLOTTE: ...okay?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: WAIT, WHAT!?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Charlotte and Sasha got up and ran out of the front door, as Xavier unplugged the cable box.

BAYLEY: I was watching that!

Xavier shrugs, plugging in his gaming console.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Bayley sighs, crossing her arms.

ALEXA: ...WAIT, BECKY'S HOME!?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Alexa gets up and runs out of the front door as well.

* * *

 **INT. - BECKY'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

Becky hears loud aggressive knocking at the front door.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA (viciously): BECKY!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: I'M GONNA KICK YOUR DOOR DOWN IF YOU DON'T OPEN IT RIGHT NOW!

Becky simply sits on the couch, nervously looking at the door.

The sound of Sasha kicking the door is heard.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: DAMMIT!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: Babe, are you okay!? Take off your shoe and sock.

ALEXA: I don't think Becky's here, guys.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA (in pain): My toe is bleeding!

Becky stands up and begins walking to the door.

SASHA (enraged): I'm gonna KILL her!

Becky turns around and walks back to the couch.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: Let's just leave Alexa here with her medicine.

ALEXA: You're just gonna leave me on the front porch like an abandoned baby?

CHARLOTTE and SASHA (in unison): Yes.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Becky sighs, partially in relief.

* * *

*2 minute and 30 second trailer for the new series Fearless premiering immediately after this episode*

* * *

 **INT. - SASHA'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

Xavier is sitting on the couch, playing his game with his headset on.

XAVIER: QUICKSCOPE, BYE KOFI!

Off camera, the sound of a taser is heard, followed by Sasha loudly moaning once.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Xavier turns around, before turning the volume up on the television.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Just then, the television turns off and all the lights in Sasha's house go out.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

XAVIER: ...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

 **[CLOSING CREDITS]**


	8. Ep 108: One Tuesday In November

**INT. SASHA'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

CHARLOTTE is sitting on the couch, wearing blue jeans, and American flag t-shirt, and her "Make America Great Again" hat.

CHARLOTTE: Babe, when does our polling place open?

SASHA walks into the living room.

SASHA: It just opened like 10 minutes ago.

CHARLOTTE (standing up): Well let's go!

Sasha sighs, grabbing her Marvel Comics hat, and opening the front door, seeing BAYLEY, DARREN, JINDER, ASUKA, PRIMO, EPICO, XAVIER, KOFI, E, MICKIE, and BECKY standing outside.

SASHA: ...hey, guys.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BAYLEY: Good morning.

SASHA: Why are you guys all just outside our door?

BAYLEY: To stop Charlotte from voting for Trump.

CHARLOTTE: WHAT!?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

* * *

 **[OPENING CREDITS SEQUENCE]**

 **CREATED BY: HAYLEN SAINT AND JESUS PIECE SHEAMUS  
WRITTEN BY: JESUS PIECE SHEAMUS**

* * *

 **INT. SASHA'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

CHARLOTTE: All of you, move! Right now!

Charlotte tries to push her way past the crowd, but is pushed back into the apartment.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Charlotte tries it again, and is pushed back even harder.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: Shouldn't you guys be out there voting!?

BAYLEY: We're all taking turns leaving to go vote while we camp out here, we're going in alphabetical order, so Alexa went first.

SASHA: Okay, this is ridiculous, Charlotte has just as much of a right to vote as anyone else.

CHARLOTTE: And if you guys continue to infringe on my constitutional rights, I'm calling the police.

BAYLEY: You can't call the police without a phone.

CHARLOTTE: My phone's right in my pocket.

BAYLEY: Prove it.

Charlotte looks confused.

CHARLOTTE (taking her phone out): It's right here, what are you talking abou-

Bayley snatches Charlotte's phone and tosses it behind her, into the crowd.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: SHE JUST STOLE MY PHONE! SASHA, DO SOMETHING!

SASHA: Give her her phone back and let us go!

BAYLEY: You can go anywhere you want, Sasha, Charlotte's staying here.

SASHA: You can't just take Charlotte's vote away!

BAYLEY (shrugging): Then call the police.

SASHA (taking her phone out): I will.

Bayley immediately snatches Sasha's phone and tosses it behind her, into the crowd.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: I have a landline.

BAYLEY (smiling intensely): I cut your cables.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: This is so illegal.

ALEXA (off-screen): I'm back!

BAYLEY: Good, Asuka, it's your turn.

CHARLOTTE: LET ME OUT OF HERE!

BAYLEY: No.

CHARLOTTE: PLEASE!

BAYLEY: No.

CHARLOTTE: PLEEEEEEASE!

BAYLEY: NOOOOOO!

Charlotte groans loudly and slams the door.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: We're breaking out of here.

Sasha crosses her arms and sighs, following Charlotte out of the living room.

* * *

 **EXT. OUTSIDE OF SASHA'S FRONT DOOR**

BAYLEY: So after Asuka is me, then Becky, then-

BECKY: I'm not voting.

Everyone else starts yelling over each other, as Becky backs up a bit, startled.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BAYLEY: EVERYONE CALM DOWN!... Becky, why aren't you voting?

BECKY: I mean, I'm not really big into politics, and besides, I don't think Trump or Clinton would be a good president.

XAVIER: We're not voting for HILARY, we're voting for not Trump.

BECKY: If it's a lesser of two evils thing then why are you all so passionate about this?

BAYLEY: Because Trump is WAY worse! Are you gonna vote for sexism, racism, and xenophobia!?

BECKY: No, but I don't wanna vote for corruption, nepotism, and-

BAYLEY: CLINTON IS NOT THAT BAD!

JINDER: And besides, not voting is just socially irresponsible.

PRIMO: The future of the country is on the line!

ASUKA: Every vote is equally important, you can't just throw away your right to vote like that.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Becky simply sighs, pulling out her phone.

BAYLEY: What are you doing?

BECKY: Googling to make sure I make an informed decision.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

* * *

*30 second Activia commercial*

*15 second Cup Noodles commercial*

*15 second local law firm commercial*

*15 second commercial for Venom*

*30 second Pepsi commercial*

*15 second commercial about the new episode of Fearless premiering immediately after this episode*

* * *

 **INT. - SASHA'S APARTMENT (BEDROOM)**

Sasha watches as Charlotte slowly opens the window, and climbs out of it.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

The sounds of dogs viciously barking are heard.

CHARLOTTE (off-screen): AHHHH!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Charlotte climbs back into the window and shuts it.

SASHA: Well, that plan didn't work.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE (out of breath): Go out there and get the dogs to chase you off!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: What if I can't outrun them?

CHARLOTTE (out of breath): Don't be selfish, think about ME!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Sasha sighs, going back to the living room.

* * *

 **EXT. OUTSIDE OF SASHA'S FRONT DOOR**

BAYLEY: Okay guys, I'll be right back, Xavier, you're in charge.

Xavier nods, as Bayley leaves.

The front door opens, and Sasha walks out.

SASHA: Guys, can you please just let Charlotte vote?

XAVIER: Bayley paid us not to.

SASHA: She-wait, WHAT!?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

XAVIER: $100 each.

SASHA: THERE'S 10 OF YOU! WHERE THE HELL DID BAYLEY GET $1,000!?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Xavier just shrugs, as Sasha goes back into the house.

* * *

 **INT. - SASHA'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

SASHA: Between the wall of people and the attack dogs, Bayley's spent over $1,000 trying to keep you confined in this house.

CHARLOTTE: Well there's only one option left.

SASHA: ...what's that?

CHARLOTTE: You have to vote for Trump.

SASHA: WHAT!?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: You said yourself that I deserve the right to vote, and you know how much this election means to me, just give me your vote.

SASHA: Charlotte, this might come as a shock to you... but I don't want Trump to be president.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: Babe, please!?

SASHA: NO!

CHARLOTTE: ...pleeeeease?

SASHA: NOOOOOOO!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: If you go out and vote for Hilary, you're just as bad as them.

SASHA: ...no, I'm not! That doesn't make any sense!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE (getting upset): I don't even know why I moved here! No one likes me, and you never stand up for me, you always take their side!

SASHA: Babe...

Charlotte storms out of the room.

 _*SAD AWW TRACK*_

* * *

*30 second Tampax commercial*

*15 second PlayStation commercial*

*15 second local restaurant commercial*

*30 second commercial for Evolution*

*15 second Tesla commercial*

*15 second commercial about the new episode of Fearless premiering immediately after this episode*

* * *

 **EXT. OUTSIDE OF SASHA'S FRONT DOOR**

Sasha walks out of the front door, seeing Bayley walk back to the front of the crowd.

BAYLEY: Going to vote?

SASHA (sighing): Yes.

BAYLEY: Great, you can take Becky with you.

Sasha walks through the crowd as Becky follows her.

Charlotte walks out of the front door.

CHARLOTTE: Bayley, I just want you to know that this is the perfect symbolism for how corrupt and negligent of the people's actual wishes this entire Clinton campaign has been.

BAYLEY: Yeah, yeah, whatever, Trumpy.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Charlotte walks back inside, slamming the door behind her.

* * *

 **INT. INSIDE OF SASHA'S CAR**

Sasha looks troubled, while driving, as Becky is staring at her phone.

BECKY: Who are you voting for and why?

SASHA: I don't even know anymore.

BECKY: I didn't even want to vote, but everyone's making me feel bad about not voting.

SASHA: You HAVE to vote, Becky. This election is important.

BECKY: Well, why don't you know who to vote for?

SASHA: I was going to vote for Hilary, but Charlotte wants me to vote for Trump, cause she can't... WAIT, YOU CAN VOTE FOR TRUMP!

BECKY: No.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Sasha sighs.

SASHA: Please, Becky?

BECKY: No.

SASHA: ...pleeeease?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: NOOOO!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Sasha sighs again.

* * *

 **INT. - SASHA'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

Charlotte is sitting on the couch, watching the news.

TELEVISION REPORTER: Clinton appears to be cruising to a comfy lead, but it is far from over.

Charlotte groans.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Charlotte took a deep breath, standing up and opening the door.

CHARLOTTE (running outside): AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Charlotte is immediately sent flying back into the house and roughly falls onto the ground.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

* * *

 **INT. - POLLING PLACE**

Sasha and Becky walk in and see CARMELLA sitting at one of the tables. Sasha walks over to her.

CARMELLA: Sandra?

SASHA: Sasha.

CARMELLA: Oh, right.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: Wow, I know we only met once but I figured you'd remember my name.

CARMELLA: What's mine?

SASHA: Um...

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: Carmen?

CARMELLA: Carmella.

SASHA (shrugging): Carmen is way closer than Sandra.

CARMELLA: Last name?

SASHA: Banks.

Carmella shuffles through a few papers, while Becky patiently waits behind her.

CARMELLA: Is the information on this paper correct?

SASHA: Uh... yup.

CARMELLA: Okay, take this piece of paper and go over to the dude back there.

SASHA: Alright, cool. Thanks. See ya, Carmen!

CARMELLA: Later, Sandra!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Sasha walks away, as Becky approaches the table.

CARMELLA: What's your name, ma'am?

BECKY: Rebecca Lynch.

Carmella looks through the papers again, while Sasha enters a voting booth.

CARMELLA: Is the information on this paper correct?

BECKY: Yes.

* * *

 **INT. VOTING BOOTH**

Sasha pushes a few buttons on the machine.

SASHA: ...I'm sorry, Charlotte.

Sasha hits another button on the machine, and leaves the booth.

* * *

*graphic of the sun going down*

* * *

 **INT. SASHA'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

Alexa, Asuka, Bayley, Becky, Charlotte, Darren, E, Epico, Jinder, Kofi, Mickie, Primo and Sasha are all in the living room, awaiting the election results.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BAYLEY: WHY IS IT SO CLOSE!?

TELEVISION REPORTER: And it is reported that in a shocking development, Donald Trump has won Pennsylvania.

BAYLEY and DARREN (in unison): WHAT!?

CHARLOTTE: TRUMP-PENCEYLVANIA, BABY! WOOOOOO!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

JINDER (sadly): He's about to win our state too.

ALEXA: Thank god.

Everyone looks confused.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BAYLEY: You want Trump to win!?

ALEXA: Yeah, that's why I voted for him.

 _*CORNY SITCOM "TROUBLE'S A BREWING" SOUND*_

Sasha's jaw drops a bit, Becky shrugs, and Charlotte smiles as everyone else groans.

CHARLOTTE: You know, I always liked you, Alexa.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BAYLEY: I gave you $100!

ALEXA: Yeah, you told me not to let Charlotte leave, you never told me who to vote for.

BAYLEY: I thought it was common sense!

ALEXA (shrugging): It was, Trump is rich, he'll probably make America rich too, and blondes have more fun.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BAYLEY: I don't even know what to say.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: It's a shame Gary Johnson's not gonna get 5% of the vote.

SASHA: Why?

BECKY: If he did, then in the 2020 election, there'd be three party debates, and more options.

BAYLEY (cautiously):...Becky, who did you vote for?

BECKY: Johnson.

Everyone, except Sasha, starts yelling at Becky again.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: Wait, wait, what happened to being socially responsible and my vote counting, and blah blah blah!?

ASUKA: THAT WAS WHEN WE THOUGHT YOU WERE VOTING HOW WE WANTED YOU TO!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: Voting third-party is stupid, Becky, a vote for Gary Johnson is basically throwing your vote away.

BAYLEY: No, a vote for Gary Johnson is basically a vote for Trump!

BECKY: No, a vote for Gary Johnson is vote for Gary Johnson, you are all insane!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

TELEVISION REPORTER: Donald Trump has won the state of-

Everyone starts screaming, and the name of the state is not heard.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BAYLEY (almost crying): THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, BECKY!

BECKY: WHAT!? ALEXA ACTUALLY VOTED FOR HIM!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BAYLEY: SHUT UP YOU INDECISIVE FLIP-FLOPPING CENTRIST!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

DARREN: I hope you're happy, Becky.

BECKY: YOU GUYS ARE REALLY MORE MAD AT ME FOR VOTING THIRD PARTY THAN ALEXA FOR VOTING FO-

KOFI, E, XAVIER, BAYLEY, DARREN, ASUKA, EPICO, PRIMO, & JINDER (in-unison): YES!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

* * *

*2 minute and 30 second trailer for the new series Fearless premiering immediately after this episode*

* * *

 **INT. SASHA'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

Charlotte, Sasha, and Becky sat on the couch, while everyone else stood around the room.

CHARLOTTE (sensually, scooting even closer to Sasha): We're gonna celebrate so hard tonight.

SASHA (nervously): Hahaha...

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Sasha's eyes get huge, as Charlotte begins kissing her on the neck.

 _*OOH TRACK*_

SASHA: Can you not do this while everyone is here!?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Sasha gasps as Charlotte roughly grabs her hair, pulling her head up to kiss her on the lips.

Bayley begins to nervously pace the room, as everyone else uncomfortably looks back and forth between the television and Charlotte making out with Sasha on the couch.

BAYLEY (crying): God, I know I don't talk to you that much but I need a super huge favor right now.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

TELEVISION REPORTER: This just in, Donald Trump has now won 270 electoral votes, confirming him as the 2016 president elect.

CHARLOTTE (jumping off of Sasha and standing up): WOOOOOO!

BAYLEY (crying, throwing the remote at the television): GOD DAMMIT!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Bayley runs over to the TV and starts punching it.

SASHA: BAYLEY STOP! THAT'S MY TV! BAYL-OW!

CHARLOTTE (pulling Sasha out of the room by her hair): Come on!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Bayley rips the TV off of the wall, throwing it on the ground.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Everyone else awkwardly leaves as Bayley starts stomping the television, still crying.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

 **[CLOSING CREDITS]**


	9. Ep 109: The 5 Year Itch

**INT. SASHA'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

CHARLOTTE walks into the front door, holding the mail.

CHARLOTTE: Hey Sash, there's a letter here for you from Dusty J. Rhodes High School?

SASHA runs into the room.

SASHA (snatching it): LET ME SEE IT!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Sasha opens the letter as Charlotte sifts through the rest of the mail.

SASHA (reading): "Dear Dusty J. Rhodes High Class of 2011, your 5 year reunion is right around the corner! Both Nikki and Brie will be attending" why are they announcing that!? Who cares if they're there!?

CHARLOTTE: Wait... Nikki and Brie?

SASHA (sighing): Yes.

CHARLOTTE: Bella?

SASHA (sighing again): Yes.

CHARLOTTE: YOU WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH THE BELLA TWINS!? FROM FEARLESS!?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA (sighing a third time): Yes, I went to high school with The Bella Twins from that stupid show that no one watches.

CHARLOTTE: No one watches!? It's the 4th highest rated show on television right now!

SASHA: I DON'T CARE!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: What's wrong?

SASHA: NOTHING, WHY WOULD I BE JEALOUS OF THEM!?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: ...babe, I never said you were jealous of them...

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA (storming out of the room): GOOD, CAUSE I'M NOT!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

* * *

 **[OPENING CREDITS SEQUENCE]**

 **CREATED BY: HAYLEN SAINT AND JESUS PIECE SHEAMUS  
WRITTEN BY: JESUS PIECE SHEAMUS**

* * *

 **INT. - BECKY'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

ALEXA walks into the front door, holding the mail.

ALEXA: Hey Becky, there's a letter here for you from Dusty J. Rhodes High School?

BECKY runs into the room.

BECKY (snatching it): LET ME SEE IT!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY opens the letter as Alexa sifts through the rest of the mail.

BECKY (reading): "Dear Dusty J. Rhodes High Class of 2011, your 5 year reunion is right around the corner! Both Nikki and Brie will be attending"... really!?

ALEXA: Wait... Nikki and Brie?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: Yeah.

ALEXA: Bella?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY (chuckling a bit): Yes.

ALEXA: YOU WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH THE BELLA TWINS!? FROM FEARLESS!?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: Yes, Alexa, I went to high school with The Bella Twins from Fearless.

ALEXA: Why aren't you famous?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: What?

ALEXA: Well, you all started in the same classroom, but Brie is engaged and rich and famous and Nikki is... well she's richer and famouser, and you're broke with three jobs and no one to love.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: ...thanks, Alexa.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

ALEXA: Seriously. At least Sasha has Charlotte now, you're a loser.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: I am not a loser! Plenty of my classmates are broke and lonely!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

ALEXA: Name one.

BECKY: Xavier?

ALEXA: Xavier has a nice job, he can afford to pay for all those gaming subscriptions and cameras, plus he has a YouTube channel.

BECKY: He has like 6,000 subscribers.

ALEXA: He's up to 25,000 now.

BECKY: WHAT!?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Alexa nods.

BECKY: Okay, what about Bayley? She still lives with her mom!

ALEXA: She's in college and she gets her Bachelor's degree in Marketing this spring. You're just a little orange hamster, in the wheel, running and running to get nowhere until you die.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: What is wrong with you!?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

ALEXA: My point is, you have to make your terrible life seem better, so you don't lose the reunion.

BECKY: Lose the reunion?

ALEXA: Yes. All these reunions are is a big contest to see who's life turned out the worst. Sasha has Charlotte, Xavier's gonna be a famous YouTuber, Bayley's in college, Nikki and Brie are Hollywood stars, and you're a single bartending waitress, you're in last place right now, Becky.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: You know I graduated with the homeless couple that showers in the park fountain, right?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

ALEXA (shrugging): At least they're not single.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: So what are you suggesting?

ALEXA: Bring me, then lie and say you're dating me. That way at the very least, you and Sasha's lives are equal.

BECKY: Ew, why you?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

ALEXA (shrugging): I'm hot.

BECKY (sighing): Can't argue with that one.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

ALEXA: We could even one-up her if we say we're married.

Becky simply sighs again.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

* * *

 **INT. XAVIER'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

XAVIER walks into the front door, holding the mail.

XAVIER (confused, reading): Dusty J. Rhodes High School?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

XAVIER (reading): "Dear Dusty J. Rhodes High Class of 2011, your 5 year reunion is right around the corner! Both Nikki and Brie will be attending", awesome!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Xavier hears a knock at the door. He opens it and BAYLEY runs in.

XAVIER: Bayley, what are you doing he-

BAYLEY: PRETEND TO BE MY BOYFRIEND AT THE REUNION SO I DON'T LOOK LIKE A LOSER!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

XAVIER: ...what?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

* * *

*30 second Activia commercial*

*15 second Cup Noodles commercial*

*15 second local law firm commercial*

*15 second commercial for Halloween*

*30 second Pepsi commercial*

*15 second commercial about the new episode of Fearless premiering immediately after this episode*

* * *

 **INT. SASHA'S APARTMENT (BEDROOM)**

Sasha is sitting on the bed, pressing buttons on the television remote.

TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, a new episode of Fearless.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Charlotte walks in, as Sasha presses a button.

DIFFERENT TV ANNOUNCER: On the next episode of Fearless, Nikki must-

Sasha presses another button.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

TALK SHOW HOSTS: We're here with the twins who are setting Hollywood on fire, Nikki and Brie Bella!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Sasha turns the television off.

CHARLOTTE: What's your problem with them?

SASHA (sighing): They used to bully me and Bayley.

 _*SAD AWW TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: Really? They seem so nice.

SASHA: They always have... it all started at Dwayne Johnson Elementary...

* * *

 **EXT. DWAYNE JOHNSON ELEMENTARY PLAYGROUND**

LITTLE BAYLEY is pushing LITTLE SASHA on a swing. They both have dark brown hair. LITTLE BRIE and LITTLE NIKKI approach them.

LITTLE NIKKI and LITTLE BRIE (in unison): Can we try?

LITTLE BAYLEY: Uh... sure.

Little Nikki and Little Brie shove Little Sasha on the swing, as she flies off camera.

LITTLE SASHA (off-camera): AAAAAAH!

A loud thud is heard.

LITTLE NIKKI (grabbing Little Bayley): Your turn!

LITTLE BAYLEY: NOOOOOO!

* * *

 **INT. SASHA'S APARTMENT (BEDROOM)**

CHARLOTTE: Oh my god, babe, that's horrible.

SASHA: It only got worse in middle school.

* * *

 **INT. KOKO B. WARE MIDDLE SCHOOL (HALLWAY)**

TWEEN SASHA, with dyed red and black hair, is walking down the hallway with TWEEN BAYLEY.

TWEEN SASHA: Yeah, that Becky girl's voice is weird, but she's really cool.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

TWEEN BAYLEY (pointing to her binder): What's that?

TWEEN SASHA: Oh this? It's uh... it's a Valentine's Day card for Kevin. I'm gonna ask him to be my Valentine.

TWEEN BAYLEY: Awww.

Tween Sasha walks over to TWEEN KEVIN. TWEEN NIKKI is at the locker right next to his locker.

TWEEN SASHA: Um... Kevin...

TWEEN KEVIN: Yeah?

TWEEN SASHA: Will you be my Valentine?

 _*AWW TRACK*_

TWEEN NIKKI: I'll give you $100 to say no.

TWEEN SASHA: WHAT!?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

TWEEN KEVIN (turning around): No you won't!

Tween Nikki hands Tween Kevin a $100 bill.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

TWEEN KEVIN (turning to face Sasha): It's not you, it's me.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Tween Kevin leaves.

TWEEN SASHA (on the verge of tears): Why would you do that!?

TWEEN NIKKI (evilly): MUAHAHAHAHAHA!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

* * *

 **INT. SASHA'S APARTMENT (BEDROOM)**

CHARLOTTE: Okay, that one sounds a little exaggerated, are you su-

SASHA: And it got even WORSE in high school!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

* * *

 **INT. DUSTY J. RHODES HIGH SCHOOL (HALLWAY)**

TEENAGE SASHA, with dyed pink hair, is walking down the hallway with TEENAGE BAYLEY. Teenage Sasha is holding an urn.

TEENAGE SASHA: I can't believe your parents won't let you go to Mardi Gras, you're 16! You're basically an adult!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

TEENAGE BAYLEY: That's what I said!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

The girls walk past TEENAGE NIKKI, who begins eavesdropping on their conversation.

TEENAGE BAYLEY: Why do you have an urn?

TEENAGE SASHA: It's my grandmother's ashes. We cremated her last week.

TEENAGE BAYLEY: Why do you have your grandmother's ashe-

Teenage Nikki runs over and snatches the urn from Teenage Sasha.

TEENAGE SASHA: HEY! GIVE THAT BACK!

Teenage Nikki opens the urn and throws the ashes onto the ground.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

TEENAGE NIKKI: Whoops!

TEENAGE SASHA (crying): MY GRANDMA!

TEENAGE NIKKI: Oh, shut up.

Teenage Nikki punches Teenage Sasha in the face, and she falls into the ashes.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Teenage Nikki begins to roll Teenage Sasha in the ashes, as Teenage Bayley watches, in horror. A teacher walks by.

TEENAGE BAYLEY: MR. HELMSLEY! DO SOMETHING!

The teacher stops, turns to Teenage Sasha, and begins laughing.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

More teachers, and a few janitors arrive and begin laughing too.

TEENAGE BRIE (over the school's P.A. system): I'm Brie Bella, and here are today's morning announcements. 10th grade student Sasha Banks is still an ugly, dumb loser with a dead grandma.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

The teachers and janitors begin pointing at Sasha and laughing even harder.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

* * *

 **INT. SASHA'S APARTMENT (BEDROOM)**

CHARLOTTE: ...that didn't happen.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: Yes it did!

CHARLOTTE: So if I ask Bayley if she remembers when you brought your grandmother's ashes to school...

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA (quietly): ...perhaps I exaggerated certain elements of the story for dramatic effect...

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: But the point is, they're evil. And they're gonna try to upstage everyone at the reunion.

CHARLOTTE: I don't know, Brie and Nikki seem like very nice people.

SASHA: You know they're half-Hispanic, right?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: ...ew.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: Look, you're going to this reunion, and you're gonna have a good time, and not worry about them. Your life is great!

SASHA: I work at a Jamie Noble's.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: Which is a very respectable bookstore with an extensive music catalog!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: I live in a one bedroom apartment.

CHARLOTTE: With your super hot blonde girlfriend, plus, being in the LGBT community is cool, now.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: I dropped out of college.

CHARLOTTE: So what? Kanye West dropped out of college, and he's running for president next election!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Sasha sighs.

CHARLOTTE: Confidence is key. Just walk into that reunion, and say, "I'm Sasha Banks, I'm a 4-time employee of the month at Jamie Noble's, and I'm living my best life."

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: ...I've only been employee of the month 3 times...

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

* * *

 **INT. XAVIER'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

BAYLEY: So you don't remember when it was Take Your Grandpa To School Day and Brie punched my Grandpa and knocked his dentures out and everyone called me No Teeth Grandpa Girl for a year!?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

XAVIER: ...no, I don't. I'm 1,000% sure that never happened.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BAYLEY (sighing): ANYWAYS...

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BAYLEY: I'm sooooo close to having an impressive life. I'm in college, I graduate soon, I mean, I still live with my mom, but besides that, I'm single. If I just pretend I'm dating you, then my life looks a little better than Sasha and Becky's.

XAVIER: You really care about what people think?

BAYLEY: Yes!

XAVIER: Weird, you never struck me as that type of person.

BAYLEY: I wasn't! Until I realized Sasha has a relationship and Becky has her own place, and I'm a loser!

XAVIER: You're not a loser.

BAYLEY (grabbing Xavier's hand): Not with you, anyway.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

XAVIER: What are you doing?

BAYLEY: Practicing holding your hand.

XAVIER: ...why?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BAYLEY: So it looks natural at the reunion. People can spot a fake relationship from a mile away.

XAVIER: So we're really doing this?

BAYLEY: Yes, honey. We're really doing this, babe.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

XAVIER: You know people in relationships only use one nickname per sentence, right?

Bayley lets Xavier's hand go, and pulls out a notepad and pen.

BAYLEY (writing): One... nickname... per sentence... got it, sugarplum.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Xavier sighs.

* * *

*30 second Tampax commercial*

*15 second PlayStation commercial*

*15 second local restaurant commercial*

*30 second commercial for WWE Super Showdown*

*15 second Tesla commercial*

*15 second commercial about the new episode of Fearless premiering immediately after this episode*

* * *

 **INT. DUSTY J. RHODES HIGH SCHOOL (GYMNASIUM)**

Sasha and Charlotte are in fancy dresses, walking into the gymnasium, where VINCE MCMAHON is sitting at a table, taking tickets.

 _*WOO TRACK*_

SASHA: Oh, Charlotte, this is my old principal, Mr. McMahon.

VINCE (shaking her hand): Nice to see you again.

SASHA: You don't know who I am, do you?

VINCE: Not a clue.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA (putting her ticket on the table): Sasha Banks.

VINCE: Oh! Sasha! One of the best damn softball players this school as ever seen!

SASHA: I didn't play softball.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

VINCE: I meant basketball, I'm sorry.

SASHA: I didn't play basketball either, I ran t-

VINCE: Cross Country! Of course!

SASHA: Track and field.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

VINCE (pointing): Right, right. Are these two with you?

SASHA: Two?

Sasha turns around to see Charlotte and CENA standing behind her.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: What are you doing here!?

CENA: I gotta get in there! I love Nikki! I have every episode of Fearless on my DVR, I'm her biggest fan!

VINCE: SECURITY!

CENA (being taken away by security guards) NOOOOO! I HAVE TO MEET HER!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

VINCE: ...right this way, ladies.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Sasha and Charlotte walk past the table, and see Bayley and Xavier holding hands, while talking to KEVIN and SAMI.

SAMI: Sasha!

SASHA (glaring and smiling at Bayley): Hey guys! What's... what's going on?

KEVIN: Just catching up with these two lovebirds over here.

Charlotte looks confused.

SASHA: Hey Bayley, can you come get some punch with me?

BAYLEY: Uh, okay, I'll be right back, honeysuckle.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Sasha and Bayley step off to the side.

SASHA (whisper-yelling): What are you doing!?

BAYLEY (whisper-yelling): Impressing people!

SASHA (whisper-yelling): The relationship angle is MY thing!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BAYLEY (whisper-yelling): So!?

SASHA (whisper-yelling): Your fake relationship makes my real relationship look less impressive!

BAYLEY (whisper-yelling): No it doesn't!

SASHA (whisper-yelling): Yes it does! You're in college, isn't that impressive enough!? You're trying to upstage me!

BAYLEY (whisper-yelling): You upstaged me first with your hot blonde trophy girlfriend!

SASHA (whispering, looking past Bayley): Speaking of hot blonde trophy girlfriend, why the hell did Becky bring Alexa!?

BAYLEY (whisper-yelling): WHAT!?

Bayley turns around to see Becky, showing off an engagement ring on Alexa's hand, while talking with BRIE, DANIEL, and NIKKI.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

* * *

 **INT. DUSTY J. RHODES HIGH SCHOOL (OTHER SIDE OF THE GYMNASIUM)**

BRIE: It's so pretty! You guys are so cute together!

BECKY (laughing): Aw, not as cute and you and Daniel over here.

NIKKI: I'm so glad we got to catch up with you, Becky!

BECKY: You too!

BRIE: We're gonna go see who else is here.

BECKY: Okay, cool, we'll be over here!

Nikki and Brie begin walking away from them.

NIKKI: See, I always knew Becky was gay.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BRIE: I never guessed that! I thought she was just a bit of a tomboy!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Nikki and Brie approach the table, where Xavier, Charlotte, Kevin, and Sami are standing near. Bayley joins the table as Sasha runs out of the gymnasium.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BRIE: Hey, guys!

XAVIER, BAYLEY, KEVIN and SAMI (in unison): Hey!

CHARLOTTE: I love your show so much.

NIKKI: Aw, thanks! This is kinda embarrassing but... I'm not sure I remember you.

CHARLOTTE: Oh, you've never met me before.

NIKKI (relieved): Okay, good.

CHARLOTTE: I'm Sasha's girlfriend.

BRIE and NIKKI (shocked, in unison): Oh my god! Where's Sasha!?

CHARLOTTE (looking around the gym): Umm... I don't know, hold on.

Charlotte begins walking out of the gym.

* * *

 **INT. DUSTY J. RHODES HIGH SCHOOL (GIRLS BATHROOM)**

Sasha is pacing back in forth, in front of the mirror, when Charlotte walks in.

CHARLOTTE: Hey, Nikki and Brie want to see you.

SASHA: So they can make fun of me!

CHARLOTTE: No, they actually seem genuinely excited to catch up with you.

Sasha groans.

SASHA: I'm not going back out there, how am I supposed to compete with Alexa's engagement ring and honeysuckle!?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: Why can't you just be yourself and be proud of that?

SASHA (on the verge of tears): They were ALWAYS more popular, and got all the guys, and now they're TV stars!

CHARLOTTE: ...they might be stars, but to me, you shine brighter than everyone in that room.

 _*AWW TRACK*_

SASHA (hugging Charlotte): Baby, I love you.

CHARLOTTE: I love you too, now get out there, lie, and say you're going back to college next semester.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Sasha takes a deep breath.

SASHA: Okay, honeysuckle.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

* * *

*2 minute and 30 second trailer for the new series Fearless premiering immediately after this episode*

* * *

 **INT. DUSTY J. RHODES HIGH SCHOOL (GYMNASIUM)**

Charlotte and Sasha return to the gym, to see Brie recording herself for a live social media video.

BRIE: I'm here at my 5 year high school reunion, with my classmates, and my classmate Xavier was just telling me about his YouTube gaming channel.

XAVIER: UpUpDownDown.

BRIE: UpUpDownDown, he's at 26,000 subscribers, go subscribe guys!

Xavier's phone immediately starts wildly vibrating.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

XAVIER (running around the gym): I'M FAMOUS I'M FAMOUS I'M FAMOUS I'M FAMOUS!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Brie puts her phone away, as Charlotte and Sasha reach the table.

NIKKI (hugging Sasha): SASHA! YOU LOOK GREAT!

SASHA: Thank you.

BRIE (feeling Sasha's hair): Is that Cyber Grape or Eggplant!?

SASHA: Purple Amethyst.

BRIE: I love it!

NIKKI (smiling at Charlotte): You two look beautiful together.

CHARLOTTE and SASHA (in unison): Thank you!

NIKKI (chuckling a bit): Everyone's all coupled up, and here I am, the single loser.

SASHA: Don't worry, you'll find someone.

NIKKI: I hope so. Well it was nice talking to you guys!

SASHA: You too!

BRIE: Bye!

SASHA, CHARLOTTE, BAYLEY, KEVIN, and SAMI (in unison): Bye Brie! Bye Nikki!

Nikki and Brie walks to another side of the gym.

SASHA: Nikki is such a bitch.

CHARLOTTE: What!?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BAYLEY: Brie's such a bitch too, I can't stand them.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Kevin and Sami look confused.

CHARLOTTE: They were really nice.

SASHA: Sarcastically.

BAYLEY (impersonating Brie, in a sarcastic whiny voice): Is that like, Cyber Grape, or like, Eggplant?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA (impersonating Nikki, in a sarcastic whiny voice): Everyone's all coupled up and I'm single, its so hard to be a famous actress!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: ...I'm gonna go get some punch.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

* * *

 **[CLOSING CREDITS]**


	10. Ep 110: Not White Christmas

**INT. BALOR PUB (INTERIOR)**

BECKY is behind the empty bar cleaning, when FINN comes out of the kitchen.

 _*APPLAUSE TRACK*_

FINN: You good to close?

BECKY: Yeah.

FINN (walking towards the front door of the bar): Alright, see you on Wednesday, Be-

Finn stops, opening the door.

FINN: Sorry, ma'am, we're closed.

ALEXA (off-camera): I just came to talk to Becky.

Finn walks back towards the bar, as ALEXA walks in behind them.

FINN: Becky, you didn't tell me you had a girlfriend.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: She's not my girlfriend! What the hell?

FINN: Oh, I'm sorry.

BECKY: You think I'm gay?

FINN: You're not gay?

BECKY: No!

ALEXA: Becky's asexual.

BECKY: What? No!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

FINN: So you're bi?

BECKY: I'm heterosexual.

ALEXA: ...really?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: Why is that so hard to believe?

FINN: ...I'm just gonna leave now.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

ALEXA: Look, the reason I came in here is because Mickie's car broke down like 5 minutes away from here.

BECKY: ...why does everyone think I'm gay?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

ALEXA: You haven't showed interest in any guy... or anyone, really.

BECKY: I've been trying to flirt with Finn since I started working here!

ALEXA: Well you're not very good at it if he thinks you're gay.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Becky groans, taking off her name tag.

* * *

 **[OPENING CREDITS SEQUENCE]**

 **CREATED BY: HAYLEN SAINT AND JESUS PIECE SHEAMUS**  
 **WRITTEN BY: JESUS PIECE SHEAMUS**

* * *

*graphic of the sun rising*

* * *

 **INT. - SASHA'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

SASHA and CHARLOTTE are sitting on the couch, and the doorbell rings.

Sasha and Charlotte look at each other, both not wanting to get up.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: ...COME IN!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CENA opens the door and walks through it, before posing and smiling for the applause track.

 _*APPLAUSE TRACK*_

Cena continues to pose and smile as Charlotte and Sasha look confused.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CENA (handing them each envelopes): Here are your Secret Santa assignments. Christmas is in 7 days.

CHARLOTTE: Secret Santa assignments?

SASHA: Yeah, every year in the apartment complex we do Secret Santa.

CENA (handing Sasha another envelope): By the way, this one is for Bayley.

SASHA: ...Bayley doesn't live here.

CENA: Yeah, but she's here all the time, she might as well be a tenant. See you guys, happy holidays!

CHARLOTTE (passive-aggressively): You mean Merry Christmas, right?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CENA: Uh... sure.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Cena turns to leave, as BAYLEY walks in.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CENA: See?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Cena leaves.

BAYLEY: See what?

SASHA: Cena made you part of Secret Santa this year.

BAYLEY: I don't live here.

SASHA: I said the same thing, but he said y-

BAYLEY: Who'd I get?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Sasha shrugs, handing Bayley the envelope.

Bayley opens it.

BAYLEY: I got Mickie... I'm pretty sure Mickie isn't on Becky and Alexa's lease.

CHARLOTTE (shrugging): You're not on Sasha's lease, but you're still here annoying me 5 days a week.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BAYLEY: I was here annoying people long before you got here, and I'll be here long after Sasha finally comes to her senses and breaks up with you.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Charlotte's jaw drops.

CHARLOTTE (turning to Sasha): You're not going to say anything!?

SASHA: Babe, I'm not going to break up with you... but me and you are way more likely to break up than me and Bayley.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Charlotte rolls her eyes, opening her envelope and reading it.

CHARLOTTE: I got Xavier.

Sasha and Bayley stared at Charlotte in silence.

CHARLOTTE: What?

BAYLEY: We were waiting on you to say something racist.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: Speaking of saying something racist, you know we're going to my grandmother's house for Christmas dinner, right?

CHARLOTTE: I'm aware.

SASHA: ...you're okay with that?

CHARLOTTE: Why wouldn't I be?... wait...w... we're going to your WHITE grandmother's house right?

SASHA: My white grandma is dead.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE (nervously): Oh... sorry to hear that.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA (opening her envelope): As long as you don't wear the Trump hat, and just smile and nod the whole time, everything will be fine.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA (reading the envelope): I got Alexa... hmm...

CHARLOTTE: Am I going to be the only white person there?

SASHA (shrugging): My mom might show up.

CHARLOTTE: Can you call her and check?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: Are you really going to make this a big deal?

CHARLOTTE (child-like): ...I'm scared.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Sasha sighs.

* * *

*30 second Activia commercial*

*15 second Cup Noodles commercial*

*15 second local law firm commercial*

*15 second commercial for Into The Spider-Verse*

*30 second Pepsi commercial*

*15 second commercial about the new episode of Fearless premiering immediately after this episode*

* * *

 **INT. - BECKY'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

Alexa and MICKIE are sitting on the couch, when Becky enters the room.

BECKY: Mickie, do you think I'm gay?

MICKIE: Yeah.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: Why?

MICKIE (shrugging): I just assumed you and Alexa were exes that still live together.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: But why would you assume that!?

MICKIE: Because you seem gay.

BECKY: How does a person seem gay?

Mickie shrugs.

BECKY: You're gay! How do you not know a specific reas-

Becky is interrupted by a knock at the door.

BECKY: Come in.

Cena walks in, poses, and smiles, as if the applause track was playing.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: What are you doing?

CENA: ...uh... wow, I guess it only happens at Sasha's.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: What are you talking about?

CENA (sighing): Nevermind.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CENA (handing Becky three envelopes): Secret Santa. Happy holidays!

BECKY (stopping Cena from leaving): Wait!... Do you think I'm gay?

CENA: No!

BECKY (turning to Alexa): See!

CENA: You're asexual, right?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY (annoyed): Bye, Cena. Merry Christmas.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Cena leaves, confused, as Becky hands Mickie and Alexa their envelopes. They all open them.

ALEXA: I got Bayley.

BECKY: I got Charlotte.

MICKIE: I got... uh... Sasha. I got Sasha.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Becky, turns around and pulls out her phone, and Mickie immediately taps Alexa on the shoulder.

ALEXA (quietly): Huh?

Mickie points to Becky, then points to her Secret Santa envelope.

ALEXA (confused): Your Secret Sa-OH!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY (turning around): Huh?

ALEXA: Nothing.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

* * *

*graphic of the sun setting and rising*

* * *

 **INT. - SASHA'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

Charlotte is on the couch, watching television and typing on her phone.

SASHA (entering the room): Hey babe, what's up?

CHARLOTTE (smiling brightly): I'm watching black movies and taking notes.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Sasha stood in silence, staring at her.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: What? I'm making an effort to understand your culture better. Last night when you went to sleep, I watched all 3 Fridays, and this morning I watched Juice. Now I'm watching Pootie Tang.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Sasha stood in silence, staring at her.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: What's wrong!?

SASHA: ...I'm just reminding myself that I love you unconditionally.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Charlotte simply sighs.

SASHA (leaving): By the way, Louis C.K. wrote Pootie Tang.

Charlotte turns the television off.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

* * *

 **INT. - XAVIER'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

XAVIER is sitting in his living room, playing a video game, when he hears a knock at the door.

XAVIER: Come in!

Becky enters, in her Pancake Factory uniform.

XAVIER (briefly glancing over to her): What's up, Becky?

BECKY: Do you think I'm gay?

XAVIER (without looking away from the television): Yeah.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: Why?

XAVIER: Remember that party Sasha threw two years ago where you got drunk and-

BECKY: Okay, first of all, how do you know about that!?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

XAVIER: The bedroom cam.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: Getting drunk and kissing a girl doesn't make me gay.

XAVIER: Who cares whether you're gay or not?

BECKY: Nobody. But everyone keeps assuming I'm gay or asexual.

XAVIER: So?

BECKY: So it's kinda hard to pursue guys when they all think I have no interest in them.

XAVIER: Why are you telling me this?

BECKY: I don't know, I'm kinda just going around asking people if they think I'm gay.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

XAVIER: ...why?

BECKY: Because I didn't know everyone thought that!

XAVIER: It doesn't help that you told everyone at the reunion that you're marrying Alexa.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY (annoyed): Bye, Xavier. Merry Christmas.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Becky leaves.

* * *

*graphic of the sun setting*

* * *

 **INT. - SASHA'S APARTMENT (BEDROOM)**

Sasha and Charlotte are laying in bed.

CHARLOTTE: ...babe?

SASHA: Yeah?

CHARLOTTE: ...can we just not go?

SASHA: Charlotte! We're going to my grandmother's house, I'm going to introduce you to my black relatives, and you're going to interact and make conversation with them for several hours!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: I can't handle that.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: It's not up for discussion.

CHARLOTTE: Please!

SASHA: Charlotte, we're going!

Charlotte sighs.

CHARLOTTE: ...the things I do for you.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

* * *

*30 second Tampax commercial*

*15 second PlayStation commercial*

*15 second local restaurant commercial*

*30 second commercial for WWE Royal Rumble*

*15 second Tesla commercial*

*15 second commercial about the new episode of Fearless premiering immediately after this episode*

* * *

*graphic of the sun rising*

* * *

 **INT. - LOCAL MALL**

Mickie and Alexa are walking through the mall, sharing a giant pretzel.

ALEXA: What do I get a radical liberal college student that still lives with her parents?

MICKIE: Weed?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

ALEXA: Bayley doesn't strike me as the stoner type of college student. She's more like the "went overboard with Adderall during finals sophomore year and is now addicted" type.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

MICKIE (shrugging): She seems like a preppy stoner to me. What do I get Becky?

ALEXA: A boyfriend?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

MICKIE: I'm being serious.

ALEXA: Me too. Maybe if she got some every once in a while she wouldn't be so stressed and uptight all of the time

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

MICKIE: They don't just sell boyfriends in boxes... WAIT A MINUTE!

* * *

*graphic of the sun rising and falling several times*

* * *

 **INT. - SASHA'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)**

Sasha, Charlotte, Becky, Alexa, Mickie, Xavier, and Bayley are all sitting around the room.

SASHA: Okay, here's how we'll do this... will Xavier's Secret Santa please come forward?

Charlotte stands up.

XAVIER: Jesus Christ.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Charlotte smiles, handing Xavier a medium sized. box. Xavier sighs and opens the box, pulling out a big, shiny, cross necklace.

CHARLOTTE (still smiling): It's a Jesus piece! Merry Christmas!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

XAVIER (sarcastically): Uh... thank you... I'll add it to my collection of flashy jewelry.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: Will Charlotte's Secret Santa please come forward?

Becky stands up, and hands Charlotte a package that appears to be rolled up.

Charlotte opens the package and pulls out a shirt a Confederate Flag shirt that reads "IF THIS FLAG OFFENDS YOU, YOU NEED A HISTORY LESSON".

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

CHARLOTTE: OH MY GOD! I LOVE IT! THANK YOU!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY (smirking): You're welcome. Merry Christmas.

SASHA: Will Becky's Secret Santa come forward?

Mickie stands up, and reluctantly hands Becky a medium sized box.

Becky opens the box and looks confused.

BECKY: Mr. Right?

MICKIE: It's a vibrator.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

BECKY: ...why would you get me a vibrator for Christmas?

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

MICKIE (sighing): It was Alexa's idea.

ALEXA: It has like 12 different pleasure functions and is guaranteed to cause more powerful orgasms than actual sex.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Becky suspiciously looks at Alexa, before beginning to read the box.

MICKIE: I'm sorry, Becky, I'll take it back to the store and get you something el-

BECKY (still reading the box): No, that's... that's fine, I'll... keep it. Thank you Mickie.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: Um...

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: Anyway, will Mickie's Secret Santa come forward?

Bayley stands up and hands Mickie a small, flat gift, wrapped in gift paper.

MICKIE (opening it): A Pancake Factory gift card? Thanks!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: Will Bayley's Secret Santa come forward?

ALEXA (standing up and handing Bayley a bong): I didn't have time to wrap it.

BAYLEY (excitedly): That is completely fine with me! Merry Christmas!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

MICKIE (under her breath to Alexa): Told you.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: Will Alexa's Secret Santa come forward?

Sasha mockingly looks around the room.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Alexa looks confused.

SASHA (shrugging): It must be me!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Alexa smiles, as Sasha hands her a medium sized. box.

ALEXA (opening it): A collection of Batman comics that feature Harley Quinn!? How thoughtful!

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA: Okay, only one left is my Secret Santa.

Xavier stands up, and hands Sasha a large box.

SASHA (opening it): ...OH MY GOD!

Sasha runs over and hugs Xavier.

ALEXA: What is it!?

SASHA (still hugging Xavier): THE ENTIRE SAILOR MOON MANGA SERIES!

CHARLOTTE: What's Sailor Moon and what's Manga?

XAVIER: Wow, you don't know Sasha's favorite entertainment? Some girlfriend you are.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

Charlotte simply picks up one of the books and looks confused.

SASHA (still hugging Xavier): THANK YOU SO MUCH! I COULD HUG YOU FOR HOURS!

XAVIER (smiling blissfully): Please do.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

* * *

*2 minute and 30 second trailer for the new series Fearless premiering immediately after this episode*

* * *

 **EXT. - SASHA'S GRANDMOTHER'S HOUSE (LIVING ROOM)**

Sasha knocks on the door, with Charlotte standing next to her.

SASHA'S GRANDMOTHER opens the door.

SASHA'S GRANDMOTHER: Merry Christmas! You must be Charlotte.

CHARLOTTE: U-uh...

SASHA (under her breath to Charlotte): Remember what I said.

Charlotte smiles and nods.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

SASHA'S GRANDMOTHER: You two must be freezing, come on in!

Charlotte smiles and nods, as Sasha pushes her into the house.

 _*LAUGH TRACK*_

* * *

 **[CLOSING CREDITS]**


End file.
